Friday, January 11, 2008

Public Transportation oh how I hate thee....

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for ecology and saving the environment and blah blah blah, but sometimes it just needs to be said. Fuck public transportation, fuck it up its stupid ass, exclamation point, period. Here is a quick laundry list of why public transportation sucks. Don't feel the need to agree if you don't want to. Just be accepting of the fact that you're wrong.

1. The sheer inability to EVER keep a schedule. Especially on those really cold, testicle shriveling days. This is compounded by the fact that, as a beautiful girl told me recently, I live in the "boondocks" of Winnipeg. While the positive side of living in no man's land is that I don't have to worry about being stabbed on my way home, I do have to suffer on an outdoor bench while I wait for the bus in minus a million degree temperatures. No cushy indoor bus shelters for me.

2. People who ride the bus are a paranoid, skittish lot. Maybe its my small town upbringing showing, but I like to make friends wherever I go. Striking up a friendly conversation with a complete stranger can be a great way to meet new people and just pass along a smile. But don't you fucking dare try this on a city bus. You will be immediately branded with all sorts of fun titles including, but not limited to: pedophile, weirdo, creep, or the ever popular fucktard. ( a quick side note: spell check tried to correct fucktard with "fuckhead". Awesome. ) And don't even think about looking at an old lady with a friendly smile. She will clutch her purse tight and try and explode your head with mind bullets. And everyone knows that mind bullets are far more potent once you reach your twilight years. That's just common knowledge.

3. In this day and age, some people still haven't learned the fine art of bathing. Are people that really stink, just not able to detect the fact that they smell like moldy ass cocktail? Yep, there's nothing I like better after a long day at work than getting wedged in between two smelly motherfuckers for a 20 minute bus ride. Good times.

4. Bus drivers seem to have perfected the art of "stopping short". They must get some kind of sick thrill out of watching their passengers get tossed around the bus like commuting rag dolls. And I usually end up buried deep in the aforementioned smelly motherfucker's armpit. Tasty. I mean really! How many fucking times do you drive this route in a day? Like 200? Don't you know where the stops are by now? Nope, let's SLAM on the brakes at the last second.

I think I need to lighten the mood a bit. There's a lot of anger in this post, so before we continue let it be know that I love to color.

Now you know that about me. And we can all feel a little bit closer.
Does anyone out there (of my 5 or so readers) have any public transportation horror stories? Let's hear them.
Coming soon: a much less bitter post. Stay tuned.


Anonymous said...

OMG! I was on the bus once on the way home from karate. There was this guy on there who I swear had not showered for months. I had to shelter my nose in my accomplices' shoulder to resist the urge to vomit. Ick.
To make matters worse, I no longer have a car as I'm giving it back to my bro tomorrow (I was forced to resign my position at the shelter and so no longer require a vehicle) and will be forced to use public transportation once again. Boo.

JoeDrinker said...

I wandered here from Laurie Kendrick's site...and I've got a great story about public transportation (such as it is) here in Phoenix. It's probably too long to post in the comments, but it's worth making the jump.
Cliff notes: crazy dude drinking water with grass in it thinks he's a British gentleman while accosting me at a bus stop. Here's the link.