Monday, January 28, 2008

Call Me SuperKris

I have mad superpowers, yo. I bet you didn't know that about me. But I'm all about sharing and being honest in this, my outlet for soul unburdening and such. I hope you don't mind. Now before you call bullshit or shenanigans on my claim of magical powers, hear me out. Come back in time with me. Back to 15 minutes before now. Now as in my now, as I'm writing this, not your now as in whenever you're reading this which may be a year from my now. Got that? No one ever said time travel was easy.

So let me paint you a picture. Sounds of Black Francis wafted out of my speakers as I rapidly wrote on my computer. And when I say wrote, I mean I was typing. I wasn't drawing all over my monitor with crayons like some crazy person. Now try and get that image out of your head. I was writing about Gremlins, and enjoying myself. The music was great, I was comfortable, and the grape slurpee was mighty tasty. But suddenly I was startled away from my screen by a very unmusical ringing. I would rather listen to Black Francis right now, but it might be important. I reached over and turned the volume all of the way down, so that I could answer the phone.

Kris: Hello

Random Telemarketer: Hello sir. I am calling to see if I can interest you in...

Kris: No thanks

R.T.: But sir, I think that if you go with...

Kris: No, I'm good. Won't be needing any of that

R.T.: But once you've heard....

Kris: Okay, I can see you're not getting this. So I'm going to make it easier for you. There are three things that interest me right now. If your thing is one of these things, let's talk. If not, then no sell. Here it is. Are you ready?

R.T.: Yes sir, but...

Kris: Number one: another grape slurpee, Number two: Sing me a Black Francis song, Number three: talk to me about Gremlins. What do you say? Anything?

R.T.: *click*

Is it me, or do telemarketers just never want to talk about Gremlins? So that was 25 seconds that I wasn't getting back. I reached over to turn my speakers up, but was met only with silence. I cranked it right up and was promptly blasted with a fuck of a lot of noise as a new song started. "Jesus" I thought as I turned the music back down to a listenable level "I turned it up at the exact same moment the songs changed. That's weird" It is kind of weird, but coincidences happen, and I'm sure that's not the first time in the history of the world someone has done that. So I shrugged it off and delved back into the task at hand. I very quickly forgot about the last call as the sweet sounds floated back over me. Damn I love me some Black Francis.

As with most good things, this came to an end rather quickly, as my music bubble was once again shattered by the ringing of the phone. I silently vowed that if this was another telemarketer, I would pretend I was a phone sex operator. Don't ask me why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I once again turned down the music, picked up the phone, and thankfully it was not a telemarketer. It was a good call this time, but I have to keep somethings secret. Jeez, I'm telling you about my superpowers, what more do you want?

I hung up the phone, reached over and turned the volume up. Silence. So I can be kind of stupid at moments. This was one of those. Not remembering what happened only 5 minutes earlier, I cranked the volume right up again, thinking, I don't know, maybe the volume knob will turn the music on. Once again I was blasted in the face with 1000 decibels of rock music. I swatted at the speaker in a vain attempt to quieten the tunes before my landlord started banging on my door. Once I finally managed to get the volume down, it hit me. "I just turned the volume up at the exact moment the songs changed TWICE, in less than 10 minutes...."

In my world, this can mean only one thing. That's right....wait for it... SUPERPOWERS!. I have the power to spontaneously start a CD from the beginning of a song, without having to hit the skip button. Do you realize how much time this will save me? I pity all of you without superpowers. I'll try not to let this new power corrupt me, but its not going to be easy. I'm easily corruptible.


Heather said...

This post reminds me of my recent dealings with telemarketers. I usually cuss them out and see how much I can abuse them. People with superpowers must be nicer than us regular folk. =D

furrychocolates said...

I love the telemarketer game too. My husband loves it because I'm his screener (he's much too nice to throw any bit of rudeness at them).

I was going to make fun of the fact that you turned the volume up loud twice in a row ... but you called me a hottie. So now I can't.