- A new gospel handed down by Jesus Christ himself?
- The horrible, terrifying truth behind the bubble gum industry?
- The secret formula for self sustaining energy?
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday, September 8, 2008
My life went through a HUGE change about two and a half months ago, and the plan was to take a couple of weeks off from writing, in order to devote the needed time to this new endeavour. 2 weeks turned into 2 months and here we are. The good news is that the big life change I experienced was ALL positive. It's eaten up a lot of my time (more than I even anticipated), but my life is much more fulfilled as a result. Now I can get back to the business of wasting your time.
First of all, thanks so much to those of you that were kind enough to send me your thoughts and take the time to write. Extra Happy Thanks should go to Naibebbi Oujunina for taking the time to send me an email every single day. In retrospect, I can't say I completely understand what Nigerian bank transfers have to do with my little musings, but thanks all the same. It is appreciated, sir.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Today is a grab bag, if you will. Just a few little things that don't really have enough substance to warrant their own complete post. Using this reasoning, I was going to call the post "Potpourri", after the Jeopardy category that utilizes a variety of topics all within the same column.
So as I was standing at the bus stop this morning, musing over how clever I am in my blog naming abilities and thinking about Jeopardy, a certain SNL skit jumped into my head. You may already know which one I'm talking about.
The scene in question involves Norm McDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in a round of Celebrity Jeopardy. That fucking line still makes me laugh.
Ape tit....he he he
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
That was the question I was greeted with this morning as I was enjoying my daily commute to the office. It was in the form of a bus ad for 5 gum, and I think it killed my brain a little bit.
Before I get into all out rant mode, let me say that 5 is my preferred brand of gum. As a smoker, it goes without saying that I buy a lot of gum (if something "goes without saying", why do we feel the need to say it?) and Wrigley's has definitely made some money off of me with this newish product. Is it the taste? The long lastinest of the flavour? Nope. It's all about the packaging baby. Take a look....
That is one sexy pack of gum. From the cool, flip open lid, to the stylish and vibrant colors (the black and blue really play off of each other nicely) it is a package to truly embrace. But does it taste like ass? Not at all. Although I would be hard pressed to say it tastes better than any other gum, it doesn't taste bad, and that's good enough for me.
Remember....I'm the guy that buys movies he doesn't even like because the DVD case has some cool gimmick involved. I'm the idiot that marketing gurus cream their pants over. An easy sell, through and through.
But there's one thing my love of pretty packaging will not abide by. Stupid fucking slogans. And puns. And sometimes Unicorns. And shouldn't Unicorns be called Unihorns? I hate mystical creatures that defy the laws of vocabulary.
So lets look at this again:
Ever tried Lying on a Thousand Vibrating Cell Phones?
How is that even possible? And what the fuck does lying have to do with anything? It's like the Chewbacca defense of gum marketing. It doesn't make sense.
Should it be "Ever tried Laying..." as in to lay down? Maybe its just me, but saying "Ever tried Lying" sounds like you're trying to tell a fib while talking on a thousand cell phones. Which is impossible. Unless you do it one at a time. But why would you? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
I could be completely off base here, as my command of the English language can be suspect at times, but this just feels misleading. And I don't tolerate misleading gum ads. Not since the Juicy Fruit debacle of '01 anyway.
Maybe I'm being too hard on Wrigley's. Let's assume for a second that it isn't misleading (and I'm not an idiot). So Wrigley's is telling us that chewing 5 is akin to resting on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones. That doesn't sound terribly comfortable. And are they ringing, or just vibrating? I need to know these things Wrigley's! Who exactly thought this would be a good slogan?
Bill: Hey Bob! How's It Going Today?
Bob: Not too shabby Bill. But I would be better if I could experience what it might feel like to lie down on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones....
Bill: Holy fuck Bob, do I have something for you to try!
No no no no no no no no no no no. And a French non for good measure. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Why would you want to experience lying down on 1000 vibrating cell phones? Hey Wrigley's, here's a slogan for you...
5 - Ever Had a Thousand Screaming Dildos in Your Ass?