Friday, July 11, 2008

Why Don'tcha Give Me Ape Tit for 200...

I know my titles have a tendency to bear very little resemblance to the actual post itself. Sometimes I like to be a little obscure. That being said, today's title has really nothing to do with the below post, so allow me to explain.

Today is a grab bag, if you will. Just a few little things that don't really have enough substance to warrant their own complete post. Using this reasoning, I was going to call the post "Potpourri", after the Jeopardy category that utilizes a variety of topics all within the same column.

So as I was standing at the bus stop this morning, musing over how clever I am in my blog naming abilities and thinking about Jeopardy, a certain SNL skit jumped into my head. You may already know which one I'm talking about.

The scene in question involves Norm McDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in a round of Celebrity Jeopardy. That fucking line still makes me laugh.

Random Thing A

Ape tit....he he he

Random Thing 2

You know what gets me all worked up?

Well this picture usually does the trick, but that's not what I'm talking about
No, I mean worked up in an angry sense. Like most things that piss me off, it involves The Bus. I've probably beaten my hatred for public transportation into the ground by now, but I haven't covered this aspect. Surprisingly, the bus has very little control over this, and yet I still blame it. Goddamn bus.

What I'm talking about is Aisle Seat Sitters. If you've ever rode the bus, I'm sure you've seen this. Those inconsiderate people that choose to sit in the aisle seat, even when the window seat beside them is open. It's a subtle way of saying "Don't sit beside me you weirdo freak. I don't care if all of the other seats are full, and you have to stand, I want to sit alone". Well fuck that. If you want to sit alone, buy a goddamn car. You relinquish that right when you choose to travel by bus. This is becoming more and more common place, and I aim to stop it. The next time I see someone doing this, I'm jumping right the fuck into action.

Captain Justice: Excuse me miss...but I believe the seat beside you is open. Perhaps you should move over, lest someone else needs to rest their tired bones.

Random Bus Douche: You can't tell me what to do! This is where I want to sit.

CJ: I would like to sit, and if you refuse to move, I shall be forced to sit on your lap. Which would you prefer?

RBD: But there are lots of other seats open. Why can't you sit somewhere else?

CJ: Because I want to sit right...fucking...there. Now move over or I'll sneeze on you.

People on the bus are always afraid you're going to sneeze on them.

Random Thing III

I need a little advice from any bearded gentlemen out there. Or bearded ladies I suppose, as I really shouldn't discriminate. Recently I became afflicted with a condition that I've never seen or heard of before. Beard dandruff. Anyone else ever experience this? I guess the skin under my beard is really dry, to the point of flaking when I rub it. Although I'm not a chronic beard scratcher (beyond the usual stroking to make myself look scholarly when all I'm really ever thinking about is whether Ghost busters Ectoplasm is a superior commercial slime as opposed to the He-Man variety). I don't think this has ever been a problem before (I've been bearded since High School), but lately I noticed that after a bit of stroking, the front of my black shirt looks a little "salt and pepper" for my tastes.

Short of shampooing my beard with Head and Shoulders, I don't know what the fuck to do. Any help?

Random Thing the Fourth

As I'm approaching 30 at an alarming rate, I fear I am getting old. Now this fear has been confirmed. My seven year old son is now better than me on Guitar Hero. When the fuck did this happen??? How the fuck did this happen? When he first started playing, I had to hold the frets down for him while he strummed. Now he throws me a condescending laugh when he sees me play on Medium, while he thrashes away on Hard. I'm sure he's thinking something equally spiteful such as "Ha ha, old man. Your fingers are too old and brittle to keep up with those notes. Why do you even try?"




It should be a proud day when your little bundle of joy can come into his own and best you at your own game. Obviously I did something right in raising him into the fine little gentleman he is, right? I should be happy about that. Well I'm not dammit. I'm petty and jealous. Little bastard....

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Ever Tried Making Sense?....

Ever tried lying on a thousand vibrating cell phones?

That was the question I was greeted with this morning as I was enjoying my daily commute to the office. It was in the form of a bus ad for 5 gum, and I think it killed my brain a little bit.

Before I get into all out rant mode, let me say that 5 is my preferred brand of gum. As a smoker, it goes without saying that I buy a lot of gum (if something "goes without saying", why do we feel the need to say it?) and Wrigley's has definitely made some money off of me with this newish product. Is it the taste? The long lastinest of the flavour? Nope. It's all about the packaging baby. Take a look....

That is one sexy pack of gum. From the cool, flip open lid, to the stylish and vibrant colors (the black and blue really play off of each other nicely) it is a package to truly embrace. But does it taste like ass? Not at all. Although I would be hard pressed to say it tastes better than any other gum, it doesn't taste bad, and that's good enough for me.

Remember....I'm the guy that buys movies he doesn't even like because the DVD case has some cool gimmick involved. I'm the idiot that marketing gurus cream their pants over. An easy sell, through and through.

But there's one thing my love of pretty packaging will not abide by. Stupid fucking slogans. And puns. And sometimes Unicorns. And shouldn't Unicorns be called Unihorns? I hate mystical creatures that defy the laws of vocabulary.

So lets look at this again:

Ever tried Lying on a Thousand Vibrating Cell Phones?

How is that even possible? And what the fuck does lying have to do with anything? It's like the Chewbacca defense of gum marketing. It doesn't make sense.

Should it be "Ever tried Laying..." as in to lay down? Maybe its just me, but saying "Ever tried Lying" sounds like you're trying to tell a fib while talking on a thousand cell phones. Which is impossible. Unless you do it one at a time. But why would you? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

I could be completely off base here, as my command of the English language can be suspect at times, but this just feels misleading. And I don't tolerate misleading gum ads. Not since the Juicy Fruit debacle of '01 anyway.

Maybe I'm being too hard on Wrigley's. Let's assume for a second that it isn't misleading (and I'm not an idiot). So Wrigley's is telling us that chewing 5 is akin to resting on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones. That doesn't sound terribly comfortable. And are they ringing, or just vibrating? I need to know these things Wrigley's! Who exactly thought this would be a good slogan?

Bill: Hey Bob! How's It Going Today?

Bob: Not too shabby Bill. But I would be better if I could experience what it might feel like to lie down on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones....

Bill: Holy fuck Bob, do I have something for you to try!

No no no no no no no no no no no. And a French non for good measure. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Why would you want to experience lying down on 1000 vibrating cell phones? Hey Wrigley's, here's a slogan for you...

5 - Ever Had a Thousand Screaming Dildos in Your Ass?

Jesus Christ...