REVIEW OF MINNESOTA
Section 2: Spiritualism
There is one big "to do" on any list that you absolutely need to take care of while in Minnesota. There was bound to be some debauchery on this trip, so why not balance that with a trip to the largest church in the state. Because if I have a flaw, its that I'm just too damn spiritual. Luckily Minnesota's largest church was just off the interstate, so we didn't even need to get lost. And here it is....
Elvis Reese's!!!!! Thankfully no bacon creme in there.
Crunch berries. Handed down by god himself for us to enjoy. Nature's perfect food. Why the fuck can't you get these in Canada?!!?!?!?
If church was this fun in Canada, I'm sure more people would go.
RATING: 4 out of 5 thirty year old virgins
Section 3: Arts and Entertainment
While I don't dispute the coolness of being able to order a CASE of burgers for under 15 bucks, they really need to work on the quality. The burgers literally felt and tasted like they had been dipped in the toilet just prior to being served, for that little extra je ne sais quoi. Maybe I just needed to be really stoned to appreciate the subtle flavors at work in each cute little piece of nasty. Did you know that white castle connoisseurs refer to the burgers as "slyders" as in "they slide right though you"?. Doesn't that nickname conjure the most hellish image in your head? And that's from the people that LIKE the burgers!
You had a hot streak going there Minnesota, but ya fucked it up.
RATING: 0 out of 5 ratburgers
Section 5: The Interstate / Driving in Minneapolis
There's no doubt that there are some beautiful sights to see while driving through Minnesota. And even better, the speed limit is 120 kph!!! Very cool. Another neat little feature was that there were tons of rest stops all along the interstate, with really nice tourist centres, playgrounds and photo opportunities. You really can't drive more than 10 miles without encountering a rest stop. These came in very handy indeed, as I wasn't allowed to smoke in the car. Frequent stops were a must, to the constant irritation of my companion. And while the geography in ND is very much like MB (flat and boring), as soon as we entered Minneapolis, there were twists and turns and hills and trees everywhere. Really really nice. So I know this section of the review is reading like a blow job, but just wait. Soon we entered THE city. Minneapolis. The Minnesota interstate is very much like a drunk, bipolar midget with superiority issues. As soon as we entered the suburbs around Minneapolis, the beautiful sights and peacefulness of the interstate quickly fled, and the horrible bitch goddess interstate reared its ugly head. Imagine this:
You're driving 120 kph, on a 6 lane highway. There are cars all around you, all driving very fast. You look at your nicely printed MapQuest directions, which advise you to take the I-35NW turnoff. You look up and quickly scan the upcoming exits. You see I-35, I-35N and I-35S. Where the hell is the I-35NW? What the fuck? Oh I'm sorry, I'm supposed to assume that we need to take the I-35N which will lead us to the I-35NW. Maybe my beef is with MapQuest, but it wouldn't that bad if you could just turn around after missing an exit. Well forget it. If you miss an exit, a loud booming voice will part the heavens and mock you mercilessly while forcing you to drive 50,000 miles to the next exit. I estimate that in three days, we got lost 236 times, all on the interstate. If the interstate had a face, I would punch it.
RATING: 2 out of 5 road rage candidates
So it was certainly an interesting trip. I got to see a bit of rock and roll history. I seen an amazing concert. I had the pleasure of eating the grossest burgers in the history of the universe and I got accosted by an aquarium mascot (don't ask). Would I go back?
FINAL SCORE: 21 out of 25 Jesse Venturas