Want to Throw Away 3 Bucks? Follow Me...

December is upon us at last! I can finally start to feel Christmasy (screw you spell checker. It's a word if I say it is. I'm the boss, not you.) Do you notice how the holiday season seems to start earlier and earlier every year? I swear to god when I went to Walmart the day after Halloween, they were putting Christmas stuff up already. Before you know it, they're going to be having post Arbour Day Christmas Sales. Only 240 more shopping days until Christmas! Well fuck that I say! In my opinion December 1st is the day I start to feel the spirit of the season. I even refuse to put my tree up until then. I'm not one to bitch and moan about the commercialization of Christmas (I am a material little bitch, and I like shiny things) but come on!

Anyway, back on point. It's December, and I gots me a holiday itch to scratch. Since there is no holiday themed Slurpee to partake of in my neck of the woods, I've got to settle for the next best thing. Christmas themed gambling!

Beautiful, ain't it? All unscratched and full of promise. O Christmas Tree indeed. I'm not by any means a compulsive or experienced gambler, but it was 3 bucks. Why not? And in the off chance I did win $50,000, I could spend it on presents, thereby driving the economy forward, and in an offhand way, save Christmas. That's right. I'm selfless like that. Now there are two types of scratch and win players. The kind that just scratch every scratchable area on the card and are done in under a minute, and the kind that likes to cherish the moment a bit. I fall into the latter category. I like to read all of the instructions, and only scratch off a little bit at a time. I've got some Mennonite blood coursing through my veins, so I need to get the most for my three dollar investment.

There's only one thing you can use to scratch a Christmas scratch n' win. A Canadian quarter. It has a caribou on it, and that's pretty damn close to a reindeer if you ask me. I don't know what's on the American coins besides Presidents, but I doubt it's as appropriate as this. Let's get started. We've got three play areas to tackle. The large, Christmas tree shape play area is filled with numbers. I get 14 numbers to play with, and if I scratch off all of the numbers in a line, I win the amount in that line.

Here's the card halfway through scratching. As you can see, I'm not doing so well. I am one number away from winning 5 bucks, but since I only have 7 numbers left to scratch, and 8 numbers remaining in the $50,000 line, that ship has sailed. Let's see how the second half goes.

Oooo...look at that. One number away from 20 bucks. I would call that a solid return on my investment.

No fucking dice. But there is still hope. I still have two play areas left. The second play area shows a nice fireplace motif complete with stockings hung (by the chimney with care no less). Simply get three of the same prize amount, and it is mine. All mine. Bwah ha ha.

Dammit. Just dammit. Look how they tease me with two $5 amounts. That's an amount that is actually feasible to win on one of these things. The scratch card gods are laughing at me. They love to make you think you have a chance of winning, only to snatch it away at the last moment. Oh irony, you are a cruel bitch goddess. I'm not sure how that is ironic, but I like the flow of that last sentence. One last play area to go. This is a bonus gift, all wrapped up with a pretty bow. Simply scratch off the area, and if there is any prize amount listed, you win! Just that easy folks. Well take a look at this shit...

Happy Holidays indeed. It might as well say fuck you. Really sort of amounts to the same thing in this situation. I guess I won't be saving Christmas this year after all. Thanks for nothing Manitoba Lotteries. Thanks for nothing.

I guess I can't complain too much though. It cost me 3 bucks, and I got about an hour worth of enjoyment out of it. And hopefully you got a couple minutes out of it too.

Peace.