Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Questing 101 - The Sequel....

We now return to our previously scheduled program, already in progress. Oh yeah, read part one first if you haven't already:

So where were we? Ah yes, lets recap:
1. It's Sunday night (or Monday morning if you want to get technical), 1 am and we needs us some stripey socks and goldfish.
B. Walmart is a fucking tease
iii. Winnipeg shopping laws suck

I think that about sums it up. So now we have but one option remaining. Two if you count 7-11, but dammit, this is my blog and I says it don't count. I love Shoppers Drug Mart. Is it because you can buy drugs there in the middle of the night? No, you can do that on just about any street corner in downtown Winnipeg. Shoppers Drug Mart is the only place I've ever seen where you can buy drugs, groceries, check your blood pressure, sample some nice cologne, buy a book or ride a pony, all in the middle of the night! Yes, you heard me, you can ride a pony at Shoppers Drug Mart. Don't believe me? Just check out my photographic evidence below:

Drugstore Cowboy

Also, since The Mart (as I lovingly refer to it) sells essential items or some such shit, so it skirts around the cruel laws of city hall. Don't ask me why because I don't understand it either. Walmart has a pharmacy. In fact, everything you can get in The Mart, you can get at Walmart, so what the hell? The Mart even has a DVD/CD section. Something doesn't add up. Anyway, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially if I can ride said horse, so let's continue....

We arrived at The Mart where I proceeded to take a picture of their "24 Hours" sign (as seen at the beginning of this post). Have you ever taken pictures inside or outside of a store? Pictures you really don't have any reason for taking other than to irritate your girlfriend, or to look like a fool? I swear to god the guy working inside the store was about 2 seconds away from calling the cops. Who takes pictures of Shoppers Drug Mart at 1 am? Someone on drugs probably. And me. So we proceeded into the store where we were watched very closely. The rent a cop walked by me at least 6 times. Melissa was mortified. I thought it was funny. He he he. I was good though. The only picture I took (or rather forced Melissa to take) inside The Mart was the pony one. All other photography waited until we got home.

So apparently, the only two things they don't sell at The Mart are goldfish and stripey socks. That's right, I just spoiled the ending. I've gone mad with power. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you. They do have all sorts of cool stuff, and Melissa being the shopoholic that she is, couldn't resist leaving without at least half of the store safely stowed away in her trunk. But we didn't get that sweet pony. A fact I regret to this very day. So what did we get? Here's the haul:

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that much, but it seemed like a lot more at the time. What an odd assortment of crap to buy at 1 am, huh? I swear the guy working thought we were on crack. Add this to the fact that I was taking pictures of the store front, and I'm sure he had an interesting tale to tell his wife the next day. So here it all is closer up:

How can you not buy an anthology of Dr. Seuss classics? You can't not, and I dare you to try. It's impossible. If I had the space I would show you the mathematical equation proving my theory, but I don't so I can't. You'll just have to take my word for it. I've never lied to you before have I?

Oh Grinchy, you crack me up!

I like to think that if God ate breakfast, this is what he would eat. English muffins and Guylian chocolates. Screw mana. This is what he should have given the Jews. That's a bold statement, but I stand by it.

Melissa is a sushi junkie. She lives for it. But she didn't have a sushi set to call her own. The Mart shall provide. It's really quite a nice set, but seems to be missing something. It's too bad they don't sell Japanese tea sets at The Mart. What's that you say? They do!?!?!? If it's color coordinated, I'm going to lose it.

I think I just busted a nut

I've always had a dream. A dream I'd never thought would be possible. Today, The Mart has not only made that dream a reality, but all for the low low price of $2.99. Ladies and gentlemen....

I'm going to bathe in chocolate

So we didn't completely fulfill our quest. There were no stripey socks or goldfish to be found. But a wise man once said that the destination is not always the most important part. The journey is what counts. And who among you can honestly say you've been able to take a chocolate bath while enjoying some fine Suessery at 2 am on a Monday morning. That's a one of a kind experience right there. In my opinion chocolate bath = great success. I hope you enjoyed reading about this quest as much as we enjoyed living it. Because life is a series of moments, no matter how absurd they can sometimes be. And I'll take absurd over boring any day.


About 2 weeks after the quest, we took a trip to Minneapolis. That will be coming up in my next posts, but as a sneak preview, check this out....

Stripey socks bitches!

Doesn't Melissa look absolutely mortified that I'm taking her picture in the middle of a crowded Urban Outfitters on the busiest American shopping weekend of the year? Awesome.

Until next time....

Monday, November 19, 2007

Questing 101

There are three things that you absolutely must have if you are considering a quest:

1. A Good Idea - This is of the utmost importance. I mean, this isn't some jaunt to the local Seven Eleven! This is a mother fucking QUEST! You can't go on a quest for just anything. You can't be all "Dude, I'm going on a quest for some doritos!". Sorry man, tortilla chips can sometimes be a tasty snack, but they can never be a quest.

2. Somebody Else - You should not, nay, MUST not quest alone. That's kind of like drinking alone. You might get what you want in the end, but it's really kind of a "You're 35 and still live with your parents? That's so sad..." kind of way. If you are pursuing a quest you must throw off your antisocial tendancies for a time and embrace the company of others. It's really not so bad once you get used to it!

3. Lastly, but not leastly (prove to me that's not a word) you must have balls of steel. Unless you're a girl. Then maybe a vagina of steel? Hmmm...doesn't have quite the same ring to it. The point is, quests are unpredictable and you must be ready for whatever might come.

The Idea...

Coming up with a good quest idea can be very difficult. You must think hard on this issue and contemplate...


As you can tell, the mood in the room was decidedly sepia, and we were having some trouble.

Melissa's eyes suddenly lit up like a cheap mexican firecracker and I knew that she thought she had it. Looking back on it now, I think she was slightly smug about coming up with something before I could. No, scratch that. She was TOTALLY smug. Dammit.

So what was this grande idea? What could have made her eyes sparkle so brightly? What could possibly be important enough to warrant a quest? What could possibly be important enough to warrant leaving my comfortable apartment so close to midnight on a weeknight? Doesn't the word grande just seem so much more spectacular with an "e" at the end of it? "Grand" is simply a word. "Grande" is a statement. But I digress...

Are you ready for it?

Stripey socks

It was midnight on a weeknight, and what does Melissa need more than anything else? Stripey socks. That's madness. But that is exactly why it is such a BRilliant idea. With a capital BR, because just capitalizing the B wouldn't have been grande enough. he he he...

So Melissa had come up with the idea, but I was not to be outdone. You see, I had just come up with an idea so breathtaking, so incredible, that the conception of the idea blew my mind. I'm not going to lie. I peed a little. I was going on a quest for..........(drum roll).......... LIFE ITSELF!!!!!! Granted, this life came in the form of an 18 cent goldfish. But come is life I says and I challenge you to refute my logic. Go ahead and refute. And why did I need an 18 cent goldfish this late in the day? Here is my daughter's fish tank:

The snack that smiles back

That little guy swimming around there is Nemo. Pretty original huh? Give my kid a break though. She's only four. You don't have to be a jerk about it. Anyway, Nemo used to have a buddy to swim around with, until about a week ago when Melissa found him floating upside down. And not in a good way. If there is a good way to float upside down, which I'm sure there is. And just like that, we had our idea. This was the Quest for the Stripey Socks and Goldfish! Makes the quest for the holy grail sound kind of lame in comparison doesn't it?

The Follow Through...

We had our inspiration. But where the hell were we going to find stripey socks and goldfish at Midnight? I think you know the answer to this.....

Walmart - Destroying small business since 1962

Winnipeg only recently became the proud parent of its very own 24 hour Walmart. No longer would consumers have to wait until morning to buy bulk batteries and giant bags of cheezies. What an age we live in! So we had the idea, we had the destination, and we had a cassette copy of Def Leppard's Hysteria. We were ready to roll.

After a short drive across the city, we were there. The anticipation was building up inside. I had never been to a Walmart after midnight before. What kind of strange nocturnals would be lurking there? Shopping for god knows what at this hour. If you are spending money after midnight, there is about a 99% chance that it isn't on something good or something that you need. Never mind what we were there to purchase. My excitement started to die down as we got closer however. Something seemed out of place. There sure weren't many cars around. Then again, it is getting close to 1 am. Maybe it's a slow time of the night, I told myself. Or maybe....

Walmart is a fucking tease!

I don't know about you, but I clearly see a sign on that door that says this motherfucking Walmart is open 24 hours. Yet the doors were bolted tight. "This isn't fair" I screamed, as Melissa gave me an "oh god, I so don't know you" look. It seems that this being a Sunday night, Walmart is not open 24 hours due to stupid Winnipeg shopping laws. You win again city hall! What were we going to do? What could we do? Was our quest destined to end like this? How anti-climactic.

But wait...........

There was one other option. Our chances of finding fish and socks at this place was highly doubtful, but dammit, we had to try. For the children.

To Be Continued...