Monday, January 21, 2008


So here I am, sitting at home, trying my absolute best to ignore this insatiable craving I'm getting deep down in the pit of my stomach. I've tried yelling at my stomach, punching it, calling it names and even reverse psychology, but nothing seems to work. Sometimes it wants what it wants. Now usually I'm not one to argue with my body's cravings. You see, the last thing I want is to make my body angry, lest it subject me to all sorts of unpleasantness. My body is kind of an asshole like that, and it won't hesitate to make me suffer if I don't heed its call. But tonight is different. Tonight my body is craving Chicken McNuggets from McDonalds, and there is no way in hell I am going through fast food purgatory again so soon (see last post). If I have to enter a fast food joint again so soon after the last encounter, I WILL kill somebody. And how will I unload all of this bullshit from my head if I am rotting away in a prison cell with no Internet access? No, no, no, that just won't do. As you can see, I am in a tough position. Do I ignore my body, and anger it to the point where it decides to spontaneously grow a tumor? Or do I give in, possibly commit murder, and spend the next 25 years banging on my cells bars and screaming "IT WASN'T ME DAMMIT. IT WAS THE STOMACH I TELLS YA!!"?

Luckily, this problem does have a solution, and like most of life's problems the solution is EBAY! Thanks to the miracle of 1993 science I can enjoy Chicken McNuggets without the need for murder! I bet you didn't think that was possible, but that's what I'm here for. To entertain and educate. Call it educainment. Or don't. Whatever.

Okay, so calling them Chicken McNuggets may be a wee bit generous, but work with me here! I'm trying to prove a point. There isn't really any chicken involved, but I think you'll agree that this is a good thing. Considering it has been sitting on a shelf somewhere for the last 15 years, chicken would be a very bad idea. But sacrifices must be made and we continue....

Here is our majestic creature in its natural state (i.e. washed and assembled....yes I washed it. I may be stupid, but I'm not a dumbass). Oh the anticipation! Within a few minutes I would either be completely satisfied, or vomiting uncontrollably. It's like Russian Roulette with old toys. Fun! Come along while we explore the task of preparing homemade McNuggets. We'll laugh, we'll cry, we may even learn something.....about ourselves....oooooooooooo. Overly dramatic you may think? You're probably right, but whatever. I'm enjoying myself.

The first step is to prepare our coating mixture. Using the included scoop, pour a small amount of "crisped rice cereal" into the hopper. Then simply grind the cereal into powder by cranking the purple handle. I thought about using Rice Krispies, but I'm no sellout. I will not give in to the pressure of product placement in blogs. At least not for free....

Step two is to fill the dipping receptacle with honey mixture (half honey and half water). Am I the only one who thinks its gross that honey is essentially insect regurgicant? I mean think about it! Bees suck up the nectar, chew it and digest it for awhile, and then spit it into the combs......that's fucking gross! I think we should all be a little more wary of what we're spreading on our toast. I'm just saying.

Step three! Press the shaper firmly into a slice of bread to load and insert into the machine. The instructions stipulated that I use Wonder Bread, and even went so far as to supply me with a coupon for 55 cents off the purchase of two loaves. Ofcourse the coupon expired in 1994, so any incentive to follow the directions was lost. I substituted my favorite brand and never looked back.

Now we get to magic time. In goes 3 misshapen lumps of white the handle and poof!

Out comes.....3 slightly formed lumps of white bread.....Can you believe it? If technology this spectacular was available way back in 1993, surely we can't be too far off from the flying car, can we? I want my flying car dammit.

Step four tells us to gently dunk the "nugget" into the insect regurgicant. Make sure you allow the excess bee vomit to drip off. Because a little bit is okay. Then transfer it to the crushed cereal and crank the handle once again to coat thoroughly. Don't half ass it either. It's important to take pride in your work.

And TA DA!

You very own homemade chicken mcnugget. And think, it only cost the equivalent of about 100 real nuggets. Spectacular. And now onto Step 5.

CONSUME! It all came down to this. My stomach wasn't going to take anymore. It had been screaming at me for nuggets for the last hour or so, and was at its limit. Any more hesitation would be met with angry gurgles of defiance, and that's just not pleasant. I slowly raised the "nugget" to my lips, murmured the lord's prayer and tossed caution to the wind. I chewed slowly at first, taking in all of the flavors that only 3 ingredients can provide. It was then that I came to a realization.

It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited. The only problem is that everyone is also throwing up. And I'm not 100% sure, but I think a homeless guy just shit on my couch. Bleghghghghgh!!!!. I spit half chewed "nugget" all over my shiny new McNugget maker. Take that, you evil piece of licenced merchandise. I don't understand how its possible for such seemingly harmless ingredients to come together and form the evil nugget of fucking grossest thing ever (patent pending). It must be the honey. If you take a moral away from this, it is DON'T TRUST THE HONEY.

So now my stomach is angrier than ever, I have spit up ball of evil all over my Nugget maker, and I'm out like 20 bucks from Ebay. Fuck it, I'm going to McDonalds. I'll write you from prison.

Added's how you can make your own edible ball of evil in your very own home. You don't need no fancy McDonalds Nugget maker. Here's what you do:

1. Take a piece of bread and smoosh it all up in your bare hands, until you're left with a hand sweat moist ball of yeasty bread-like substance.

2. Pour honey all over. To ensure you don't miss any spots, pour honey everywhere. You're only doing it right if you make a big mess.

3. Now crush up some rice cereal in your hands and throw it at the ball. Make sure some sticks.

4. Shove the whole mess in your mouth and eat it.

It's just that easy! Sounds tasty, no?

Bon Apetit! (mwah)


Melissa said...


Anonymous said...

My god...rendered non-plussed by crass commercialism.

With all due respect, those McNuggets looked like albino elf nutz with crusty pubes.

I didn't know you are Cannuck?


Laurie Kendrick

Heather said...

Ha! Funny! But the nuggets they serve at McD's are poison, you're better off eating the bee vomit.
You need to add two things to your collection - the Mr Peanut peanut butter maker and the Snoopy Snowcone machine. Get snappin'.

Kris said...

Laurie: I am a Canadian. So you have me at a disadvantage. You've had a Canadian, but I've never had a Texan...

Heather: I TOTALLY need a Snoopy Sno cone maker! I've never heard of the peanut butter maker before. Sounds messy. Right up my alley.

furrychocolates said...

I'm glad you commented on my blog today because you are one funny motherfucker. I laughed out loud several times while reading your stuff.

I am Canadian too! Eastern Canada ... but that still counts.

Oh, and thanks for the tip on the vodka. Hey, if it was good enough for my wedding reception, it's good enough for this occassion.


Anonymous said...

Well then product of the Great White North, let's get snappin'.

You know what the ubiquitous "they" say: once you go Texan, you never go flexin' about rexsin?

OK, nothing rhymes with Texan. But finding something to rhyme with Canadian was impossible, too.

Why couldn't you have been French..would've been far fucking easier.

Love from Houston,

kristiane said...

I have a Snoopy Sno-Cone machine. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

Heather said...

The Peanut thing looked like a big figurine of Mr. Peanut with the cane and monocle and you would feed peanuts into the back and turn a crank I think, and it would make peanut butter. I believe the peanut butter came out of his mouth...or vice versa. Hell, I think I was 7. The peanut butter was gross anyway.

Kris said...

A statue of Mr. Peanut that vomits peanut butter when you stick peanuts in his ass?!?!?!?!?!?!?


Heather said...

OK, they do have some available on ebay, and apparently you put the peanuts in the top of his hat and the peanut butter comes out the side of his friggin head. Pretty awesome.

JoeDrinker said...

Ugh. Those don't even look good. What marketer would think that those were worth eating?

nostalgiajunkie said...

Okay, this thing has to be the worst food-making toy in the history of mankind. Scratch that, this is the worst toy ever.

I like honey (lol bee vomit), and I like Rice Krispies, but I hate white bread, and those three things should definitely never, ever, ever be combined.

Anyway, this is Annette from the X-E threads. Just letting you know that someone clicked your link from over there.

Anonymous said...
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Kris said...
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Fierce Almond said...

My god, I thought I had imagined this freak of a product. Some girl in my apartment complex had this thing when I was about 4. Wow. I had figured that it wasn't real because no company would sell a chicken nugget maker, but since they weren't chicken...

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Anonymous said...

OMG these things are delicious! I had this as a kid and regularly crave bread + honey + rice krispies