I don't know what it is lately, but I've been feeling a little old. Maybe its that my birthday just came and went, and with it, my mid twenties. That's right folks, I am now closer to 30 than I am to 20. Most people would accept this as an eventuality, and just succumb to father time. Well not this guy. Fuck Father Time. Who's he to tell me what to do really? But what can I do, just stop celebrating birthdays? That won't do for 2 reasons:
1. I am a material little bitch and I like presents.
2. Just because I refuse to accept them, doesn't mean they aren't happening. Kind of like those people that stay on the 14th floor of a hotel. They know what floor they're really on.
So the answer is really quite obvious if you eliminate the other options. I must find......(drumroll)..... THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!!!!!!
"Oh you clever little bastard" I smugly muttered to myself. In this day and age, finding the fountain of youth will be a snap. In ancient times, people would have to travel great distances in order to consult a wise man for the answers to their questions. These wise men were usually situated in appropriately inconvenient locations, such as the tops of mountains. But in the grand sparkly future, our wise men are much easier to access. You just have to know where to look.
Oh wise Wikipedia.......tell me all that you know about the fountain of youth. My computer is strangely silent. Shit, I never got around to installing that voice recognition software. Better just type this in.....
Okay here we are. Wikipedia has this to say about the fountain of youth:
The Fountain of Youth is a legendary spring that reputedly restores the youth of anyone who drinks of its waters. Florida is said to be its location, and stories of the fountain are some of the most persistent stories associated with the state.
Well shit. I can't go to Florida tonight. I have to work tomorrow! Dammit. And my plan seemed so foolproof. I guess I'll just have to rely on the next best source. EBAY!
Ebay is my new current addiction. There is just way too much cool shit on there to possibly resist. And there's nothing better for making you feel young again than buying a bunch of crap that you used to play with 20 years ago. Today we have two examples of this.
1. DINOSAURS ATTACK! Trading cards!!!!!
For the uninitiated, Dinosaurs Attack cards were released in 1988. It was a collectible card set containing 55 cards and 11 stickers. For a quarter you got 5 cards, 1 sticker and a piece of gum. You can't buy anything cool for a quarter these days. I remember collecting these cards back in 1988, when I was but 7 years old. This is kind of fucked up considering the content of the cards (which you will see soon). It just goes to show you that we are currently raising our children to be a society of weak willed little sissy men. What was considered appropriate back then is considered horribly inappropriate these days. Look at me, I turned out okay. I mean, I've only killed a few people, and I assure you it was just for profit. Isn't the future supposed to bring MORE liberal attitudes, not less. I guess not. But in the end, I'm really just a hypocrite, because there's no way in hell I would let my 7 year old son buy these cards. Here, take a peek:
Nice, eh? Just what any 7 year old should be collecting. Shit, no wonder I used to have nightmares. And what about the one titled "Time to Die..."? Isn't that just horrific? I mean, isn't the gruesome explicit artwork enough? Nope, they had to really fuck with kid's heads and include something guaranteed to scar you for life. A photo of someone burning to death at the hands of dinosaur Satan. And the tag line: "Helen, I'll love you always..." Just brilliant. But even though they scared the crap out of me, I loved them so much. Which is why I have tracked some down 20 years later. And for the low price of just 5 bucks plus shipping, I got an entire unopened box of packs!!!!!!
I did open a few packs, and I may open more yet, to try and get a complete set of opened cards, but I will definitely be keeping as many closed packs as I can. It looks so pretty on display. And in answer to your burning question, yes, I did try the 20 year old gum, and no, I'll never be the same again. And that's all we'll say about that.
2. VENOM - 15 year old unopened action figure!!!
While I never owned this particular figure while I was growing up, I did own a few from the same line. I'm definitely going to try and track down some more, but this will do for now. I can honestly tell you that not opening this sucker up has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I argue with myself on a daily basis as to whether I should or not. Something about owning a toy that's 15 years old and has never been opened is strangely appealing to me, but if I opened him up, I could make some sweet stop motion animation in which to post to YouTube. Life is hard I tells ya. For the time being, Venom is safe in his protective package, but I won't promise he'll be there forever. Stay tuned. Now check out the back of the package:
It seems that Venom squirts "Alien Liquid" at this enemies. While this is certainly a cool action feature for a toy, I can't remember Venom ever giving his enemies golden showers in the comics. Maybe I missed that issue.
So now I don't feel quite so old. I have successfully relived a part of my youth and no one got hurt in the process. Now if I can just resist the urge to open and fondle Venom.....