So I thought I would follow up my last post about the single thing I hate most in this world, with this, a post about the two things I love the most. Their names are Kylie and Jared, and they are the single greatest accomplishment in my life. I apologize in advance as to the mushiness of this post, but sometimes it just needs to be said. Here are just a few of the reasons why my kids are better than yours.
1. To them, I am the funniest motherfucker on the planet. Chris Rock? Dane Cook? They've got nothing on me in my kid's eyes. Here's an example of the type of humor that works on my kids:
Daddy: "Hey Jared"
At which point he breaks into uncontrollable laughter that can last anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour. I shit you not. Then a few hours later, I'll hear him giggle to himself. When I ask what he's laughing at he replies "You said Fart". Priceless.
2. My daughter is a maniacal genius well beyond her years. She will be 5 next month, yet clearly operates at evil mastermind levels. Whenever she talks to an adult, she uses this really sappy sweet voice that is just guaranteed to melt the heart of anyone outside of Hitler. Well, maybe even Hitler on a good day. I swear she is one step away from pronouncing her "L's" as "W's" as in "I wuv you daddy". I am absolutely powerless against this type of psychological warfare. But yet, when you catch her talking to her older brother, and she doesn't know you are listening, she turns into fucking Patton. Her voice turns steely and authoritative and you know absolutely that this is not a 4 year old to fuck around with. It is her way or the highway, and she will not take no for an answer. She owns her brother in these moments. Imagine if Puss in Boots from Shrek was a 4 year old girl. There you go.
3. My son loves to make you think he's a cold hearted bastard, but he's really one of the sweetest 7 year olds I've ever seen. He's completely the opposite of his sister in this way. If he knows you are watching, he will go out of his way to antagonize her. She could be walking past where he's sitting and out of nowhere, for no reason at all, he will stick his foot out and trip her, sending her crashing to the ground in a heap. I've seen her hug him only to have him respond with a sharp SMACK to the back of her head. It doesn't matter that he knows he will be punished. He gets off on that. It's as if this little 7 year old is saying: "What have you got old man? I'm a hard mothafucka and I can take it". But on the flip side, when he doesn't know you're watching, I've seen him help his sister up after she's fallen, and softly kiss the boo boo on her knee. I've seen him lovingly do up all of the buttons on her jacket because in his words "You have to dress up really warm Kylie, because I don't want you to get sick". AWWWWWWWWW.
4. I am the smartest man in the world to them and their leading authority on everything. It doesn't matter what subject we are talking about, Daddy must know the answer. I could tell them anything, and they accept it wholeheartedly and without question. This is a sacred trust that I would never abuse (well, almost never. I am human after all).
5. They have better taste in music than any human rightfully should at this age. You haven't lived until you've heard a 4 year old and a 7 year old argue over whether to listen to Green Day or System of a Down. My little princess would listen to Led Zepplin over nursery rhymes any day of the week, and that's fucking awesome. Or hearing Jared sing along to Mr. Lonely, and getting EVERY word right. Brilliant.
That is just a very small sampling, but its all that I'll subject you to at this point in our relationship. Needless to say, no matter where life leads me from here, I can feel all warm and cozy in the fact that my life has meant something to someone, and no one can ever take that away from me. Unless they have a time machine, but let's not go there. And someday, in some distant future, I can look proudly at my son and daughter and beam "I'm glad you guys didn't end up inside a balled up tissue like so many of your unborn brothers and sisters".
Sorry about that, but I had to go out on a low note after all of that love expressed above.