Ah, Spring! Winter is a harsh mistress up here in the Great White North, and mid to late March always has a way of energizing me to the fullest extent that a change in seasons can. The day that I can throw my big, ugly winter jacket back into the closet and don my comfortable, stylish spring jacket is a cause for celebration, akin to Christmas morning in March. Well my friends....today was that day.
I stepped out onto my balcony this morning, as I do every morning, to enjoy my first carcinogens of the day, and was immediately struck by how beautiful it was outside. The sun wasn't shining all that brightly yet, but it was 7 am, and already, the thermometer was showing a healthy couple of degrees north of freezing. This may not seem all that warm to some of you reading this, but believe me, after you have spent the last 4 months "enjoying" sub arctic temperatures, anything north of freezing feels like the fucking Caribbean.
I finished my cigarette, leaned out over the balcony to greet the day, and damn near broke into song. I'm sure if I had, countless people would have left their houses to join me. Everyone would have known the words, and it would have been highly choreographed. In short, this morning felt like the opening minutes of a fucking Disney cartoon. I fucking love Spring.
I deftly dropkicked my winter jacket back into the closet, giving it the finger all the while. Fuck you winter coat. I won't need you ever again, so get fucked. Until next November anyway. Then I'll need you again, so don't hold a grudge. Don't you hate when articles of clothing hold a grudge? I slipped on my cool, stylish spring coat and ventured out into the world.
As I strolled the couple of blocks to my bus stop, I breathed in the wonderful Spring air, and quietly enjoyed my surroundings. It was a moment, that's for sure. I took it all in, and it was magical. The glistening pools of melted snow, rippled by the tread of passing cars. The warm breeze gently blowing through my hair, seeming to kiss me sweetly on the forehead. The soft, melodic twittering of passing songbirds. The slow rustle of discarded trash dancing along the pavement. Wait....what?
What the fuck is up with all of this garbage littering the streets? It's seriously fucking with my perfect world view of all that is Spring. This is my first year living in the big, bad city, and I never realized how many assholes out there still throw their trash on the street. All of this trash builds up and builds up over winter, collecting underneath layers of snow, only to show its ugly face once the white stuff starts to recede. It's somewhat difficult to enjoy a beautiful Spring day, when you're busy dodging all types of dirty, smelly trash blowing about your feet. Fucking assholes I tells ya. Seriously, what kind of dick still throws garbage on the ground like the world is your personal fucking garbage dump? If you are this type of dick, stop getting enjoyment out of this blog right now. Keep reading it, because I like to see my hit numbers climb, but don't you dare fucking enjoy it.
Here is a small catalogue of what I witnessed on my walk to the bus stop. Keep in mind that this is only a 2 block trip, and I live in a relatively nice neighborhood.
36 empty crushed Slurpee cups
15 chocolate bar wrappers
2 empty quarts of motor oil (WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!)
42 random pieces of fast food trash (burger boxes, fry containers, empty bags)
28 empty potato chip bags
79 cigarette packages
1 used condom (what a lucky girl or guy that must've been. Getting plowed in a back alley. Tres Classy)
GROSS. G-R-FUCKING-O-S-S GROSS.
I'm just utterly confused by all of this. Now I'm not the bleeding heart type. I don't carry a massive boner for Mother Nature or anything, it's just that its fucking gross seeing all this garbage on my street. So why do people still do this? I know that we, as a society, are pretty goddamn lazy, but C'MON! Hold onto that trash until you see a trash can or something. They're fucking everywhere. I'm not asking you to carry garbage around in your pockets all day or anything. Come the fuck on. I seriously expected to see a Native American with a solitary fucking tear rolling down his cheek, as I rounded the corner to get on my bus.
So what can you do? I'll tell you, because I'm helpful like that. The next time you see someone throwing some garbage on the street, pick it up, and smash it right into the offender's face. The only way Mother Nature can fight back is by sending locusts or a swarm of frogs at us or some such shit, so believe me, this is the less violent approach. Smash that garbage right into the guy's face, then stand back and mock him a little. I recommend something along the lines of "Whatsa matter? Gonna cry? Huh, gonna cry?" Nothing is quite as infuriating to a grown man or woman as "Gonna cry?". Of course, if this action results in severe blowback in the form of a punch to your face, I accept no responsibility. But be confident in the knowledge that you made a difference. Good luck, and godspeed.