Thursday, March 13, 2008

My Heart isn't Bleeding, I swear...

Ah, Spring! Winter is a harsh mistress up here in the Great White North, and mid to late March always has a way of energizing me to the fullest extent that a change in seasons can. The day that I can throw my big, ugly winter jacket back into the closet and don my comfortable, stylish spring jacket is a cause for celebration, akin to Christmas morning in March. Well my was that day.

I stepped out onto my balcony this morning, as I do every morning, to enjoy my first carcinogens of the day, and was immediately struck by how beautiful it was outside. The sun wasn't shining all that brightly yet, but it was 7 am, and already, the thermometer was showing a healthy couple of degrees north of freezing. This may not seem all that warm to some of you reading this, but believe me, after you have spent the last 4 months "enjoying" sub arctic temperatures, anything north of freezing feels like the fucking Caribbean.

I finished my cigarette, leaned out over the balcony to greet the day, and damn near broke into song. I'm sure if I had, countless people would have left their houses to join me. Everyone would have known the words, and it would have been highly choreographed. In short, this morning felt like the opening minutes of a fucking Disney cartoon. I fucking love Spring.

I deftly dropkicked my winter jacket back into the closet, giving it the finger all the while. Fuck you winter coat. I won't need you ever again, so get fucked. Until next November anyway. Then I'll need you again, so don't hold a grudge. Don't you hate when articles of clothing hold a grudge? I slipped on my cool, stylish spring coat and ventured out into the world.

As I strolled the couple of blocks to my bus stop, I breathed in the wonderful Spring air, and quietly enjoyed my surroundings. It was a moment, that's for sure. I took it all in, and it was magical. The glistening pools of melted snow, rippled by the tread of passing cars. The warm breeze gently blowing through my hair, seeming to kiss me sweetly on the forehead. The soft, melodic twittering of passing songbirds. The slow rustle of discarded trash dancing along the pavement. Wait....what?

What the fuck is up with all of this garbage littering the streets? It's seriously fucking with my perfect world view of all that is Spring. This is my first year living in the big, bad city, and I never realized how many assholes out there still throw their trash on the street. All of this trash builds up and builds up over winter, collecting underneath layers of snow, only to show its ugly face once the white stuff starts to recede. It's somewhat difficult to enjoy a beautiful Spring day, when you're busy dodging all types of dirty, smelly trash blowing about your feet. Fucking assholes I tells ya. Seriously, what kind of dick still throws garbage on the ground like the world is your personal fucking garbage dump? If you are this type of dick, stop getting enjoyment out of this blog right now. Keep reading it, because I like to see my hit numbers climb, but don't you dare fucking enjoy it.

Here is a small catalogue of what I witnessed on my walk to the bus stop. Keep in mind that this is only a 2 block trip, and I live in a relatively nice neighborhood.

36 empty crushed Slurpee cups
15 chocolate bar wrappers
2 empty quarts of motor oil (WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!)
42 random pieces of fast food trash (burger boxes, fry containers, empty bags)
28 empty potato chip bags
79 cigarette packages
1 used condom (what a lucky girl or guy that must've been. Getting plowed in a back alley. Tres Classy)


I'm just utterly confused by all of this. Now I'm not the bleeding heart type. I don't carry a massive boner for Mother Nature or anything, it's just that its fucking gross seeing all this garbage on my street. So why do people still do this? I know that we, as a society, are pretty goddamn lazy, but C'MON! Hold onto that trash until you see a trash can or something. They're fucking everywhere. I'm not asking you to carry garbage around in your pockets all day or anything. Come the fuck on. I seriously expected to see a Native American with a solitary fucking tear rolling down his cheek, as I rounded the corner to get on my bus.

So what can you do? I'll tell you, because I'm helpful like that. The next time you see someone throwing some garbage on the street, pick it up, and smash it right into the offender's face. The only way Mother Nature can fight back is by sending locusts or a swarm of frogs at us or some such shit, so believe me, this is the less violent approach. Smash that garbage right into the guy's face, then stand back and mock him a little. I recommend something along the lines of "Whatsa matter? Gonna cry? Huh, gonna cry?" Nothing is quite as infuriating to a grown man or woman as "Gonna cry?". Of course, if this action results in severe blowback in the form of a punch to your face, I accept no responsibility. But be confident in the knowledge that you made a difference. Good luck, and godspeed.


candicem said...

Kris, I'm behind you 100% on this one. I swear the same fucker drives down my road every saturday night and deposits his empty box of beer in the ditch.

The least he could do is leave me a couple!

Heather said...

Welcome to city livin'! Ain't it freakin' fabulous?

Seriously, I hate litter. But I love Spring and I must confess, that was the best part of the post for me. People in warm climates just don't know the joy! I love to visit my sister in Florida in the winter because I can run around in shorts and tank tops while those bitches are all wearing sweaters and long pants. Pansies.

Vickie said...

I sooo agree with this one, man. The only thing worse is having to wait in the bus "shelters" because of the artic conditions, only to be surrounded by the frozen spit wads on the glass. Seriously, it's enough to make me honk!!!!!!

Jillian said...

LOL. I hate when the jerk in front of me on the freeway tosses garbage out of his car and that shit hits my windshield. What the fuck? Does he know he almost killed me? Does he care? Meh.

Woo Hoo! I live in Los Angeles. Snow... what the fuck is that? :-P

Kris said...

Candice - I'm still waiting for that link to your blog. Come on now.

Heather - it always makes me laugh when people from southern states bitch about how "cold" it is. Pussies.

Vickie - I was totally going to write about the bus shelter spit wads, but I didn't have enough to say. The post would have been confined to "People that spit on bus shelters in the winter should be castrated with a rusty spork"

Jillian - I am envious of your paradise climate, except for one thing: It wouldn't feel like Christmas without some fluffy white stuff.

Heather said...

Man, am I diggin' that new photo you put up....

Kris said...

Thanks darlin'
I look a little less jaundicy in this one.

Laurie Kendrick said...


You're fucking up my imgary of a pristine Canadia. All that trash talk.

It was 91 in Houston today. I thought of all you pasty white people north of my happy ass, as I went outside to allow the Body Kendrick to absorb ample vitamin D and every fucking carcinogen Houston's vast petrochemical industry belches out.

You don't really "live" in Houston. you just kind of die here....slowly.

How's your love life?

Let's compare notes sometimes.

Lastly, I would still have lusty designs on you if I were a thousand miles closer and if I had a vagina.

You know I adore you,

Kris said...

IF you had a vagina? Now I'm really intrigued...

Laurie Kendrick said...

Vagina? Did I write "vagina"?? Silly me. I meant to say a Vega. An old Chevy Vega.

What was I thinking.


Eat me.

Did I write eat me?

I meant to type "edit me".

Damn, this fucking Tourette's Syndrome.


Kris said...

Eat me? Now you really are speaking my language. How did you know that was my specialty....

Heather said...

Damn, the perverted things I wake up and find in the morning...

Kris said...

Just be glad I didn't go with my original plan for a new profile picture...

Heather said...

Email it to me.=D

Romi said...

Holy crap, "garbage-smashing", what a great idea! I'm kinda grossed out by actually touching the garbage though, so I'll have to keep rubber gloves on hand...people might ask questions, but it'll be worth it if I can administer one garbage-smash per day ;-)

Kittymao said...

Yo dood. Seriously.
It's like normal COMMON FUCKING COURTESY has been throw out the window. And apparently it's not just California's central Valley. It's all ove rthe world! It's like a fucking RUDE EPIDEMIC!
Where's my air mask?! It could be airborne?!

* sorry. Saw "I am Legend" last nignt.*

Laurie Kendrick said...

Have a great Easter weekend, my Canadian friend. Or with you, should I just say Happy Weekend? I really don't picture you as the Easter type.

But something tells me you would eat the ass out of a chocolate bunny.

I miss you and the kids ask about you from time to time. I tell them that you ARE their father and not just a sperm donor. Still, they insist on taking a Petri dish to ball games and young Penny took it with to take it to the Daddy/Daughter Dance at school.

She a painted a face on it and in the mouth, as always, was a lit cigarette.

She cusses like you too.


Heather said...

I'm starting to wonder if you just don't love us anymore. =(

Kris said...

Laurie - Thanks for the update. I'm glad the petri dish is picking up the slack in my absense.

Heather - Ofcourse I still love you guys! In fact, the craziest shit happened over the weekend. you can read about it later today. I pwomise.