Saturday, March 8, 2008

Adventures in Voicemail....

I am well rested and better than ever! I probably got 12 hours of sleep last night, so now I'm ready to go out tonight and assault my body once again. It's all about balance, and I'm a firm believer in showing your body whose boss. It has to know who's in charge you see. So tonight will see me imbibing numerous cocktails, smoking many cigarettes, and maybe even embarrassing myself on the dance floor. I have to hold onto my youth as long as possible, because I sure feel fucking old. Maybe its all these late nights and alcohol fueled shenanigans.

But that isn't the reason I felt compelled to pull my chair up to the magic box tonight and spill my thoughts all over the keyboard like an overexcited porn star (is a cum reference too crass? What do I care?)

When I awoke from my mini coma this afternoon, I noticed the little voicemail indicator on my phone was lit. Here's another little aside into my twisted thought process. I love surprises of any kind, but especially voicemail. I love getting voicemail because the promise of that little light could mean anything. It could be a cute little message from my daughter. My son is usually too busy playing video games to call his dear old dad, but my daughter calls me every day. It could be a friend with a grand plan of drinking and debauchery. It could be a much needed moral reprimand from various family members. In short, it could be ANYTHING, and I love the mystery of that little light.

So I dialed in my password and waited for the pleasant voicemail robot to deliver the news. I had 2 new messages. What fun, I thought!

Message number 1 was a little odd. Can't say I've ever gotten a message quite like it before. It left me with the conclusion that I had either pissed somebody off, or one of my friends was drunk dialing me again. It really could go either way, and unless the person in question reads this, I'll probably never know the answer. You see, the message consisted of about a minute of somebody making fart noises at me. What the fuck, right? I shit you not, there was no greeting, no explanation, no talking of any kind. Just a minute of straight fart noises, and the occasional pause for the caller to take a breath. I really don't know what to make of it. I have weird fucking friends, so I wouldn't put it past any one of them, but I really don't know. If you're out there, CONFESS, or this will surely drive me insane. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm all about closure. If the message had been a minute of fart noises, followed by a big "Fuck you", that would be fine. At least I would know if it was anger or fucktardary at play (thanks Laurie). Maybe it was a wrong number. But how fucked up is that person that they would leave a message like that on someone else's voicemail. This is seriously driving me crazy....

Message number 2 was much easier to figure out, and of the much more exciting variety. In disclosing its contents, I'm surely exposing myself as a sad little nerd. Oh well, fuck it. I'm comfortable with my level of nerdom. Fucking spell checker hates me. To get the full effect of this you need a little back story first. How many of you are familiar with The Dark Knight?

The Dark Knight is the new Batman movie coming out this summer. My name is Kris, and I am addicted to Batman. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Not a big weight mind you, but a weight nonetheless. Now don't get me wrong. You're not going to catch me partaking in any kinky Batman costume clad S & M. I don't collect the comics, and I've never been to a convention. I just like the history and the pop culture of the thing. And I fucking LOVE Batman Begins. It is the best comic book adaptation to film ever. This is fucking iron clad fact, so don't try and push your Spiderman or X-men bullshit on me. It just won't fly. So naturally, The Dark Knight has me very excited. I don't go to movies often on the opening day, but this will be an exception. It tells the further adventures of Batman while introducing the characters of The Joker and Harvey Dent.

Harvey Dent is running for District Attorney of Gotham City in the new film, and he is played by the very talented Aaron Eckhart, who is fucking great in "Thank you for Smoking". About 2 weeks ago, a movie website clued me in to It's a website connected to The Dark Knight, and it offered updates and such on the movie. I entered in my information in order to receive said updates, as I am curious about any news regarding the upcoming film. After that I didn't really think anymore about it.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I had picked up my phone, had finished listening to the cryptic fart noises in the first message and was waiting for the next message to begin. A voice began speaking. This is what the voice said:

“Hello, I’m Harvey Dent, Assistant District Attorney of Gotham, and I’m calling to ask for your support. We all know what’s wrong with Gotham. Crime is out of control. And instead of protecting our streets, too many cops have become criminals themselves.
This is why my mission has been to stamp out police corruption, and this is why I’m considering a run for district attorney. But I can’t do it alone. I need to know if you, the people of Gotham, want change. Do you want a Gotham free from the grip of criminals and the corrupt? Are you ready to join a crusade to take back our city? If this is a change you desire, if you are fed up with living in fear, go to and see how you can join the struggle to take back our city. I’m ready to fight for Gotham, if you are ready to fight too.”


Sure it was only a recording, and a million other people probably got the same message, but HARVEY FUCKING DENT CALLED ME!!!!!

Sure it is something that is probably only appropriately exciting if you are between the ages of 10 and 15 but HARVEY FUCKING DENT CALLED ME!!!!!

Sure I'm probably a huge loser for getting this worked up about a piece of movie marketing but HARVEY FUCKING DENT CALLED ME!!!!!

Fuck all y'all that don't think this is the coolest thing ever. It was Aaron Eckhart's voice and everything and HARVEY FUCKING DENT CALLED ME!!!!!

Okay, I'm going out to get smashed now. Don't wait up for me.


Heather said...

I must take acception to your disdain of Spiderman, X-men, etc. I am an equal opportunity superhero LOVER. I can watch them all - I even consider Daredevil and Hellboy to be good enough for a superhero fix. I get that you are hot for Batman, but it's ALL good to me. Sexy men in costumes is what it's all about. Show up at my door in tights and a cape, and you are guaranteed to see some action.

What I love about Harvey Dent in this movie is that Katie Holmes was in Batman Begins and she was, as you know, also in "Thank You For Smoking". I get a kick out of that kinda gay shit.

Kris said...

Oh don't get me wrong. I love Spiderman, Xmen, Daredevil and Hellboy. I love just about ALL comic book movies. I was just saying that Batman Begins is the BEST of them. I even liked Spiderman 3, and most nerds hate that one.

And its damn cool that you've seen Thank You For Smoking. Such a good movie.

Jillian said...

OK, fart noises are fucking hilarious.

And it's great that Harvey Dent called you.

We actually do collect the comics, figures, and go to the conventions. So we're looking forward to "The Dark Knight".

And "Thank You For Smoking" was a good movie. I think when we saw it we were the only ones in the theater. I forgot how ell it did or didn't do.

Reed Solomon said...

Spider-Man 1 + 2 were technically better adaptations...

at least until the Green Lantern movie is finished production.

and heather, Katie Holmes isn't in the new one. They replaced her with a better actress who isn't busy doing god knows what with Tom Cruise..

Kris said...

Jillian - I think Thank You for Smoking made money, but it was by no means a blockbuster. Have you seen "Juno". It was also directed by Jason Reitman.

Reed - Are they actually moving forward with Green Lantern? What's your take? I hear the Justice League movie is going to feature the "new" GL, but I want to see a Hal Jordan movie myself. And the new actress in Dark Knight is Maggie Gyllenhal (I can't spell worth a fuck), Jake's big sister. She is a fine actress.

Jillian said...

Yeah, I loved "Juno". I'm glad it took something home from the Oscars!

I liked Michael Cera in "Superbad" and "Arrested Development". He's really good at the awkward kid.