Saturday, March 29, 2008

An Easter Story Part II...

Part I can be found here. http://mindlessdiversions.blogspot.com/2008/03/easter-story.html


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The soft, yellowish glow from the open refrigerator door illuminated the half chewed carrots pooled around his feet. I choked back a generous amount of bile as I desperately fought the urge to get sick. The confidence I felt only moments ago was quickly fading, replaced once again with feeling of absolute dread. The gun in my hand wavered, and was feeling increasingly heavy.

"Put that thing down before you hurt yourself". Small pieces of the carrot he was chewing flew from his mouth as his raspy voice issued its warning. Complying, I slowly lowered the gun to my side, still unable to speak. He took a step closer and his full seven foot tall frame came into the light. His twisted snout was curled into a cruel grin, his long whiskers quivering. I shrank back instinctively. "What's the matter....don't you recognize your old friend?" He took another slow step towards me. "Why don't you sit down. We have some things to discuss".
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I watched as he hopped over to the dining room table, receding into the darkness. I gave my head a quick shake, still not fully comprehending what I was seeing, carefully stepped over the pile of half chewed carrots, and followed him into the darkness, gun tucked safely back into my waistband. His large size dwarfed the dining room chair in which he was perched, making it appear comically undersized in comparison. I took a seat across from him and watched as he produced a large, perfectly rolled joint from behind one elongated, furry ear. He lit it, took a long, slow pull and then asked "You mind if I smoke this?"
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I didn't answer, and he continued to draw on it, never offering it to me. We sat in silence, eyes fixed on each other, as he finished his joint and slowly crushed it out on the shiny, unblemished oak table top. The time for my silence was up. "How did you get in here?"
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He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head slightly in amusement. "Are you joking? I'm the fucking Easter Bunny, you asshole. You know, hiding chocolate eggs in people's houses and all that shit?" He waved his furry paws in my face as if to emphasize this point. "It's what I do. Getting in here was the easiest part of the last few years. Finding your sorry ass....that was considerably more difficult. A fact that has made me one pissed off rabbit, let me tell you. So why don't we skip the part where we reminisce about old times and get to the fucking point?".
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I responded through clenched teeth. "I told Kringle I was finished. End of story. You may as well just go back and tell him so, because I'm not going back there"
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His deep, baritone laugh echoed maniacally throughout my empty apartment. "That's some funny shit. If I didn't know better, I would think you were the April Fool instead of some overgrown cherub with a clutch full of arrows..."
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"Now wait just a goddamn..."
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"NO, YOU WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE. JUST BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT YOUR LOT IN LIFE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE IN THE MATTER. What's wrong? You pissed off because you represent a fucking Hallmark holiday? Sick of helping other people find true love, while you go home to an empty house every night? WELL GROW THE FUCK UP! Look at me. I'm a goddamn seven foot tall rabbit that hides chocolate eggs in people's houses while they're asleep. What in the everloving fuck does that have to do with the resurrection? But does it bother me? Fuck no. I do my job, just like you're supposed to do your fucking job. Goddammit, now you've got my fur all ruffled." He produced another perfectly rolled joint, lit it, and inhaled deeply. "I should just eat you right now. Fuck what Kringle says"
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"Then why don't you just do it already? I don't have any reason to live anyway." I hung my head in defeat.
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"Well aren't you a sad sack of shit. Where's what's her name? You know, the entire reason you felt the need to throw off your responsibility and go into hiding without a fucking word."
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, moistening the cracked lines forming there. " She left me when she realized I couldn't give her a child"
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Once again, his deep, baritone laugh filled the apartment. And once again, I clenched my teeth. "That is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. The great and wonderful cupid can find true love for anyone but himself? That, my friend, is irony."
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His cold, dark laugh continued to ring out, filling my fragile head to its limit. He was so preoccupied with his own twisted sense of humor, he didn't realize I had the gun trained back on his head. I cocked it, and fired, abruptly halting the laughter issuing from his hideous snout. His head snapped back with the full force that only a gunshot can deliver. I sat and waited, watching the thin thread of smoke trail lazily out of the hot barrel.
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Suddenly, his head snapped back to attention, exactly as it had before, except with a quarter sized hole now appearing directly between his eyes. The fur around his eyes was bloody, and matted. I knew the gunshot wouldn't have any effect on him, but I shot anyway.
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"JESUS FUCK! WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISH? Beyond getting blood all over my fur? Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to get blood out of fur? Fucking hell."
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"I wanted you to stop laughing. You stopped, so I guess I accomplished exactly what I set out to do."
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"I'm a seven foot tall rabbit, and you're the crazy one. Jesus Christ." He wiped some of the blood out of his eyes, stood to his full height, and towered over me. It didn't seem possible, but his voice deepened by several octaves as he spoke. "Now if you're quite finished, we need to leave now. It's Easter tomorrow, and I've got a busy day ahead of me. So quit fucking around, or I'm going to have to get rough. I can't kill you, but I can sure as hell torture you for awhile before I hand you over to Kringle. So choose. What's it going to be?"
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I sighed in resignation and lowered my head again. "Just let me get my arrows"
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"See...its not so hard to accept your lot in life. You don't have to like it, just fucking do it."
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"I'll be right back". I left him in the half light of the dining room, and returned to my chambers. Far back in the closet, below a hidden trapdoor, were my arrows. I didn't think I would ever have to look at them again, but here we are. Doomed forever to dispense happiness and love, while I suffer alone. That is more torture than Kringle or any of his cronies could ever dish out. I pulled a filterless cigarette out of the, now almost empty pack, and lit it, savoring the harsh, acrid smoke one last time. The clutch of arrows slung over my shoulder, I rose and walked back into the hall. The Easter Bunny was waiting for me.
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"Ready to go? Kringle let me borrow his sleigh, so we'll be riding in style......"
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He trailed off as I slowly lifted the still warm gun to my own head.
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"Now what in the hell are you going to do with that? You can't fucking die you idiot. You're Cupid. Just hurry up and get it over with then. And don't splash any of your fucking blood on my fur".
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A tight smile crept over my face. "There's something you don't know."
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"Oh? And what might that be? You have magical holiday killing bullets in there? I know that's bullshit because you already shot me with that hunk of metal, and oh good golly, I'm still fucking here. So tell me another one".
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"A holiday can't conceive a child with a mortal." He rolled his eyes at me, but I continued. "So I did what I had to do to make her happy. I cut off my wings." His eyes widened with slow realization. "But once I became mortal, we discovered that I was sterile, and wouldn't be able to give her a child anyway. How fucked up is that. A child is the most true expression of love that two people can share, and I, Cupid, am incapable of it. Now tell me why I should go back." I cocked the gun still pointed at my temple.
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"......you cut off your wings.....you don't realize what you've done. Imagine a world without love. Don't you realize how important you are?"
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"Fucking replace me then"
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He lunged for me, but I was faster. The loud crack of the gunshot barely registered in my ear before everything went blissfully black.
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The End

6 comments:

Melly said...

wow. that was abso-fucking-lutely amazing and oddly profound...

you need to get that published somehow someway! seriously.

i loved it.

candicem said...

Wow is right. real awesome, Kris.

What do you do again? If your answer isn't writing, it should be. Or you should at least be making something on the side for it.

Brilliant!

Heather said...

I am shocked to learn that not only does the Easter Bunny cuss like a sailor, he rocks the ganj like it's going out of style!!!

Vickie said...

Kris, you have a gift.

It was one of those stories that just had me staring at the words for a full fucking ten minutes to let everything I read sink in.

You rock. Don't forget me when your famous.

Kris said...

Melly - Thanks so much. And I love the "oddly profound" endorsement. If I ever publish a book, I'm going to quote you on the jacket.

Candice - Just your average office guy. White collar. Writer is definetly "the dream" though. I've always just written for the fun of it though. I wouldn't even know where to start in terms of profitizing it.

Heather - now you know! Because knowledge is power.

Vickie - Thanks! I'm going to forget you the minute I sell a story to the shittiest of magazines for pennies. And I'll carry copies of the magazines around and act all pretentious and shit. Probably best I never become famous.

Jillian said...

That was awesome... and sad, my eyes were glued to my screen. I didn't blink once. Thanks for sharing.