Tuesday, March 25, 2008

McTasty or McNasty...

An Easter Story Part II is coming ( I promise ).....but first....

Fate smiled on me this past weekend, and I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of two very cool little people. But I'll have to tell you about my midget debauchery another time. Today is reserved for an experience that starts with my kids and leads into barbecue sauce soaked mouth ejaculations. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture? Now before you label me as some sort of sick, demented weirdo (as if that hasn't happened already), let me explain how my children can have anything to do with a poorly stretched orgasm analogy.

As I was saying: My kids came to visit this weekend and a magical time was had by all. There was much coloring and scissor handling, and numerous games of "Wait until Daddy is done this cigarette...". By the evening of the second night, I was exhausted and in no condition to cook a healthy, nutritious meal. That could only mean one thing.


That's right. I'm so close to collecting my "Father of the Year" trophy, I can taste it. And it tastes sweet. And kind of coppery.

Jackets were applied in a mad rush to get out the door, and reach our destination. I don't let my kids eat McDonalds too often, and I am kind of an evil prick, so in their heads, I could change my mind at any time. So until their little morsels of "chicken" mcnuggets were halfway down their cute little throats, nothing was guaranteed. Luckily for them, I was feeling generous that day, and so didn't feel the need to torment them with false promises of fast food.

We arrived at Ronald's Pleasure Palace, and walked towards the doors. As we were about to enter though, something caught my eye, and I slowed from a brisk walk to a gentle shuffle. My kids realized what was happening and started to panic. "Daddy's changing his mind" my 7 year old worried out loud. "Yeah, he can be such a douchebag" countered my adorable little 5 year old. I couldn't muster a response. Only a saliva garbled mumble, as I slowly pointed towards the sight that had captivated my attention.

Could it be true? Probably, since they were advertising it as such. The fabled McRib had finally returned home. What a day to be alive.

For those of you not "in the know", let me enlighten you. The McRib enjoyed a fair amount of popularity in that long ago time known by current historians as the "hairmetaloic era", or the 1980s. The patties themselves were each lovingly removed by hand, from the boneless rib cages of the (previously thought extinct) Horned Porkosaur. The patties were then fried up and generously dunked in barbecue sauce tastier than god's vagina (I'm going to hell for that, aren't I). Add some onions and some pickles, and you have a sandwich more addictive than heroin soaked crack. These things were fucking good back in the day. I mean, just look at this:

Don't you just want to grab it with both hands and fuck the shit out of it? Maybe that's just me. Another part of the McRib that made it so tantalizing was the way that the evil geniuses at McDonalds would let us get a taste for it, only to snatch it away from our collective hearts as if to say "That's enough fatty....that's enough". They've been doing this for a long time. Pulling it out of the restaurants, only to usher it back in a few years later for a "limited time only". Evil fucking geniuses. In any case, its been a long time since I've seen it in a Winnipeg McDonalds, and I was very eager to get my McRib on. Probably to be followed closely by the nasty McShits, but that's Future Kris's problem.

I think at this point my kids hit up the Playland, although to be honest with you, I'm not too sure. I kind of forgot about them as soon as the visions of boneless pork patties started dancing in my head. I'm pretty sure I had them with me when I left...Hmmm....

I strode confidently up to the nearest McDonalds employee and smiled a great big, toothy smile.



"............What would you like sir?"

"Do you have to even ask? McRib me! Post Haste!"

"Who talks like that, anyway?"

"People, that's who! And why can't I taste BBQ sauce yet?"

As the girl walks away from the counter, I silently wonder how well the BBQ sauce will hide the taste of human spit. Damn it. Before I could wonder too much though, my feast was presented to me, complete with backing orchestra. I swear I'm not making that up. Okay, I'm making that up, but c'mon! What would be more appropriate? I walked past the Playland (probably containing my kids), took my seat, opened the magical box and....

Wow, that looks pretty fucking gross, doesn't it? Even worse...I "posed" the sandwich before taking the picture. I actually cleaned that shit up a bit before documenting it. What's sadder: the fact that this sandwich looks like a porkified abortion, or the fact that I actually took the time and trouble to make it prettier before taking a picture of it in a crowded McDonalds restaurant during the dinner rush? Both pretty fucking sad I suppose...

I know the actual product never looks like the marketing, but they could have at least tried a little. I mean, look at the bun! It just stops before the patty is even fully covered. And it should be literally dipped in BBQ sauce, not just half assed smeared with it. I am unimpressed.

But who gives a shit what it looks like, right? Its the taste that counts, right? Right you are, and on that front...it fails miserably as well. Fucking Yuck. It feels like someone just kicked my taste buds in the balls. This is probably just confined to the restaurant I visited, but lets break it down:

1. Bun is way too small.

2. BBQ sauce is barely there

3. Patty was just a touch above room temperature. Fine dining, your name is not "luke warm mystery meat patty".

The fact that I can't enjoy a McRib the same way I did back in the day is tantamount to the greatest injustice in the history of the world. I am disillusioned and distraught and it's a good thing I didn't have a razor blade with me, I'll tell you that much.

Anyone else currently enjoying the resurgence of the McRib? What are your thoughts? I want to give it another chance, at another McDs, but am too afraid of being heartbroken again. I guess it will have to be enough that I know the McRib is available (for a limited time) if I feel the need to gastronomically torture myself again.

Now if Burger King would bring back those little 3 packs of mini burgers....


Anonymous said...

EEWWWW What the hell was that?... I know i was stoked when i watched the mcD's across the hall put up their new sign to advertise it so i left my cozy lil store and walked over to get me one of them Mc Rib burgers... Mine was very tastey and looked great... but not the way i remember them being... nothing can beat the mexican chili chip comeback!!!!
As for trying a diff Mc D location the one right here across the hall from me is the one you should try the employees may be quite stupid since i have to listen to them all day ignoring that damn fry machine beeping but when they make a burger they make it right!!!!

Heather said...

I always thought the McRib was gross. (Please don't send me anything scary in the mail as punishment for that admission.) Let me tell you what IS awesome. Dominos BBQ bacon cheddar steak hoagy. And it's always fanfuckingtastic, and they serve it every day of the year. Even on Christmas.
However, while you were eating a nasty McRib, I was eating actual baby back ribs. I'm so glad I'm not you. =P

Jillian said...

Yeah, I've always been afraid to try the McRib... my husband loves it though. But if he's hungry enough he'll eat almost anything, so I don't know if this comment should really count as an endorsement.

CanadaDad said...

I'm also not a fan of the McRib...I assume. I never could bring myself to order one. I just couldn't get past those fake bone shapes. Bones made out of pressed pork?! That, for me, was going too far!! MADNESS!! I wasn't going to have anything to do with that sketchy business.

However I agree with the comment regarding Burger Buddies. Nothing beats the feeling of accomplishment you get from eating 6 burgers at a sitting!

Heather said...

Man, ya'll are pullin' those little burgers from at least back in the late 80's or early 90's. I can't remember what I had for dinner on Saturday.

Kris said...

Heather - I don't envy your baby back ribs. I have a bone phobia. I don't eat ribs or wings. I know, I'm fucking weird. But that's hardly a surprise. Oh and if you get a mysterious ticking package, I didn't send it, promise. :p And doesn't Dominoes only sell Pizza? Where have I been?

Jillian - you should at least try it once. If you don't like it, I'm sure your hubby won't mind finishing it for you.

CanadaDad - BURGER BUDDIES! I totally blanked on the name. Thanks for saving my sanity. And you're right about the bone shaped pressed pork. It is madness. But I like a little insanity in my fast food.

Heather said...

Well, yes, our Dominos have steak hoagies, and breadsticks, cinnamon sticks, and wings, which you won't eat because you're even weirder than I originally thought. Way to go!!!

Anonymous said...


Great.....now I have to go get one.

Thanks a lot!!!!!!!! :-)

Romi said...

Oh my goodness, I love your raw provoc. stories...like fucking the shit out of a sandwich? God's vagina??? So much sweetness...hahaha...no I have not tried a McRib, but I kind of have a tumour-filled McNugget fetish, when the mood is right (and actually the post I wrote tonight touched on that, and actually I can't believe I wrote about McDonald's tonight and then I stumble upon your blog to see your McDonald's post! (which granted, you wrote a week ago, but whatever, haha ;-) ))