Would You Like a Lil' Diabetes With That?...

I don't really have a "sweet tooth" to speak of and if pressed for my opinion on snacks I always tend to stick to the "savory" side of the fatty fat fat spectrum. One simple reason for this is that sugar kicks my teeth's ass. Assuming my teeth has ass, which I like to think they do. I don't have black mouth of death cavities or anything, my teeth just don't appreciate sugar. Sometimes, however, I can't help myself. Such was the case yesterday when I stumbled across the coolest candy store ever to grace the planet earth. Or at least that I've seen. It was called Sugar Mountain, and it was glorious.

Sunday was spent with Mini Kris 1 and 2, exploring The Forks. If you ever get the chance to visit Winnipeg, The Forks is a MUST see. Set aside at least half a day as well, because there is alot to accomplish while you're there. Check out http://www.theforks.com/ to really see what its all about, because frankly, I'm here to talk about SUGAR, not be your tour guide to blah blah blah.

Back on point: We were strolling along, enjoying a gorgeous day, when Mini Kris 1 spotted a couple of train cars just planted in the middle of our prime strolling path. His line of sight bounced back and forth from the ground to the train car itself for a minute before I realized where his confusion stemmed from. There were no tracks anywhere to be seen. I could picture his little mind at work, puzzling over how the fuck these train cars arrived at this place, at this time. It made no sense, but Mini Kris 1 is a boy who loves his trains, and he is never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Clearly the situation called for further investigation. Mini Kris 2 came along as well, because she is only 5 after all and I'm not going to just leave her alone on the side of the road while we check out this oddity. What the fuck, right?

We went around to the other side and were greeted with a very happy looking sign proclaiming this particular train car "SUGAR MOUNTAIN". A fucking candy store......located inside two very retro looking train cars......called Sugar Mountain. Glory be to god in the highest. Or Moses or Mohammad or The Devil if that's how you roll. You get the point.

I love candy stores, which is strange, because as you now know, I don't like candy. If you've read this site more than once though, you know that I like weird shit and cool packaging. And an entire store devoted solely to candy is bound to have some cool shit that I haven't seen before. Or at least some stuff that I can't just pick up from the 7-11 down the street.

Remember Pic-a-pop? I have no idea how far reaching Pic-a-Pop was back in the 80s, so you may not know what the fuck I'm talking about, but they had it. And it was good. They also had about 5000 different types of candy to choose from. Big League Chew was there, and Red Vines graced us with an appearance. Candy Buttons made the scene, along with his good buddies Blackjack gum and Fizzes. In addition to all of the classic goodies, there was a ton of stuff I had never seen before. They had chocolate covered grasshoppers, 5 different types of Caramilk bars I never knew existed and energy drinks branded with Stewie from Family Guy. I think it was called Stewie's Domination Serum or something, but I can't be 100% sure. To be honest, there was way too many things going on to retain much of anything. I was like a kid in a....well a candy store I guess. Fuck, I hate being obvious.

I easily could have spent TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS there, but the Province of Manitoba demand that I feed Mini Kris 1 and 2 foods rich in vitamins and nutrients , and spending TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on nothing but candy would have forced me to feed them nothing but dog food for the next couple of years. Sacrifices needed to be made, and we limited ourselves to one item each. The pic-a-pop from earlier doesn't count because it is a tasty tasty beverage, although I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself.

To my dismay the kids picked out some random crap devoid of any originality or cool, retro packaging. For a second I questioned their genetic lineage, before chalking it up to a simple fact. Candy is candy as far as young children are concerned. They are going to eat it, so it doesn't matter how cool the package is, as long as there is a pound of sugar crammed into every square inch of the winning confection. Understandable, but I mocked their lack of creativity anyway. How does that old parenting slogan go? Emasculate your young?

My pick, however, was much more enlightened. Well, maybe not, but I love surprises.

The almighty surprise bag!! What magical wonders does it hold. What mysterious secrets lie inside? I don't know about you, but I'm excited. Let's go in for a closer look....

We start with the classic Pixy Stix. Nothing says "I want to die at a young age" better than pure color treated sugar. My teeth started to hurt just holding this package.

Another classic, although very common item. I'm obligated to give it bonus points for being Cherry flavoured, but ultimately it is a fail. I could buy an entire bag of these just about anywhere I go. I even got one from the bank once. I don't need to rely on my Sugar Mountain surprise bag for a tootsie pop fix.

These were new to me. I don't know how retro they are, but the 25 cent price printed right on the box would lead me to believe they are not of this time. Companies don't seem to print prices right on the box anymore. I have no idea how they taste, but I think its safe to assume "grapey".

The Pepsi to Pop Rocks' Coke. Again, the gods have favoured me with a flavour in the Red section of the food pyramid (the tastiest section of all). But I must say....that is one fucked up looking guy on the package.

Good old Popeye brand candy cigarettes. That's right, I went there. These will always be candy cigarettes, and I don't care how fucking PC our society is today. Candy sticks my ass. Why are the tips still red!?!?!. Answer me that, Popeye.

Fun dip. Because sometimes colored sugar just isn't enough. You need more colored sugar (now in handy compressed form) to lick and stick it to. And is it just me, or is Wonka buying up all the candy brands? Everything seems to be Wonkafied these days.

I was almost at the end of my surprise bag, and starting to wish I had bought that five dollar classic Nintendo controller shaped tin of mints instead, when I reached in, and pulled out some pure 80s sex.

In card form.

Yes, god, fucking yes. Garbage Pail Kids cards from 1987. I used up alot of karma in this 10 seconds, so I fully expect the rest of the year to be absolutely shitty, just to balance things out. Take a closer look...

Beautiful

Captivating

Magical

He he he. Phil 'Er Up.

Okay, this one's fucking gross

I've been thinking about the Garbage Pail Kids movie alot lately (don't judge my thoughts) and a review of sorts is definitely in order once I finish with Masters of the Universe.

But my all time "want" in regards to useless 80s memorabilia? An unopened box of Garbage Pail Kids Crummy Candy and Cheap Toys. Does anyone remember these? The package was a little garbage bag, closed with a twist tie, and containing a tiny garbage pail kids figurine and assorted pieces of garbage shaped candy. Fucking impossible to find. Empty boxes go for more than a hundred bucks on EBay! If anyone can point me in the direction of this treasure, I will sign over my third born child to you. I'm going to keep my first and second born, because I've grown kind of fond of them over the years.

So that was my candy adventure. I'll definitely be going back (soon) so I'll let you know if I find anything else worth blabbing about. I think the chocolate covered crickets deserve a taste test, but we'll see. I'm kind of a girl about putting stuff in my mouth. Wow, that came out way wrong...