Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Revelation!....

Second post in the last couple of hours, so keep scrolling down after you're done here. Or scroll down now, read that, and then scroll back up here in order to check this one out. But if you do that, for god's sake don't re-read this opening bit of exposition. Because it will still be the same, and you'll have wasted precious seconds of your day. Although if you're here, you must not have anything better to do. So maybe the whole thing's moot. I love Moot, because it sounds like it could be dirty, when its really not. Seriously....say this in your head: "Oh baby, your tongue feels so good on my moot". Then make an orgasm sound. Nice, right?

Where was I, again?

Ah yes. A revelation. I love revelations because, by definition, they are always new, and somewhat shocking bits of information. Name one thing that hasn't been instantly made superior by the label "NEW AND SHOCKING!!!" You can't, because there isn't. A revelation doesn't always have to be huge or life altering though, and I respect that.

Today, I revelized (patent pending) that you can get porn ... on EBay. Not really life altering maybe, but possibly a huge, never before utilized convenience! And I'm all for that. Gather round children, and let me tell you a little something about myself.

I am a man who likes his porno. No, I'm not afraid to admit it, and fuck you for judging me. Not to worry though, as my tastes run pretty normal. I know, to each his own, and as long as it isn't hurting me then blah blah blah....but if you let people shit in your mouth, you've got fucking issues. That's fact.

Porn on EBay though? Big deal, right? Exactly right. If you're me, it is a big deal. For two very important reasons that I'll tell you about now. Because it wouldn't really have made sense if I had mentioned them out of nowhere in the opening paragraph.

1. I don't enjoy shopping in "adult" stores. I have a crippling fear that the clerk is quietly judging me. I don't know about you, but I don't like complete strangers judging me based on something I'm going to beat off to later. (Oh grow up. Everyone does it. Yes, even you). And maybe I just haven't been to a "nice" house of pornography, but they all seem so sleazy and nasty. Like if I'm standing up to take a piss in the toilet, and there's a fucking glory hole 4 inches from my asshole, I have made a wrong decision somewhere in my day, you know what I mean?

2. I can't get my porn online, because I don't have a credit card. Not a single one. I am just far too susceptible to marketing and advertising of any kind. It is definitely a character flaw, but I've made my peace with it. I would be maxed out in fucking hours flat, all the while laughing at Future Kris, for the hell he was going to have to endure due to the fact that Present Kris is a weak willed little consumer.

So we have a bit of a dilemma. Not a catastrophe by any means. I don't NEED porn, it's just nice is all. I won't settle for dirty magazines from 7-11, because its just not that important to me. If I'm going to look at pornography, it better be full motion video and sound and there better be a little P in Va G action going on. Otherwise I'll just go without.

But maybe not. EBay always seems to know what I want. If EBay was a woman, I'd shit all up in her mouth...........I mean......disregard. I was checking out a DVD store on tha' Bay (as we call it in tha' hood), trying to find a copy of the live action Masters of the Universe movie from 1987, and I stumbled upon an entry that I had never seen in all my years of cruising EBay. For the title of the entry it said this:

Hidden - Requires Adult Verification

What the fuck!?!?! How had I never noticed this before? This has to be porn! I rubbed my sweaty hands together in anticipation and clicked the link. Still no porn, but I was once step closer. All that remained was agreeing to their guidelines for viewing the adult material, and I could theoretically have porno delivered straight to my door! But man, is EBay ever strict about this shit. Check out some of the things I had to confirm.

I will not permit any person(s) under 18 years of age to have access to any of the materials contained within this site.

Well I guess that's pretty reasonable. No big surprise.

I am an adult, at least 18 years of age, and I have a legal right to possess adult material in my community.

Again, very reasonable. They just want to make sure no laws are broken. So far so good.

I do not find pornographic images of nude adults, adults engaged in sexual acts or other sexual material to be offensive or objectionable.

Now we're entering a bit of a grey area. What if I do find the sexual acts offensive or objectionable, but that's what turns me on about them? What then? Hmmmmm.

I will exit from this site immediately if I am in any way offended by the sexual nature of any materials on this site.

This one just confused me. Can I still shop for non-porn items on EBay, or does the act of being offended immediately ostracize me from the EBay community? Maybe I'm taking this too seriously. Let's just click on "Agree". I was so excited. Can it really be true. Easy access porn!?!?! Oh god, here we go....

Please enter credit card information. Your card will not be charged and only be used for Age Verification.

Fucking hell. Cock blocked by a goddamn computer.


DeeDee said...

Haven't seen that particular area in which you speak but I have seen the "nude ex photo" section. Pretty freaking funny. It's mostly pictures of girls but there is the occasional dude with his bat and balls hanging out for the world to see that some scorned ex girlfriend is willing to sell in triplicate for a mear buck! Believe those are listed in the "Everything Else" section.

Anonymous said...

HA! You're still so fucked up funny.

I know--I should be kicked in the vulva for being so distant and far removed over the past few weeks. I'm working full time again and well, you know these fucked up child labor laws here in Texas.

I have missed you vile sense of humor and overt cockbaggery.

I will endeavor to be around more often, ya big Douche.


Heather said...

Oh where oh where has my little Canadian gone?