Thursday, June 26, 2008

Forgive Me Blogger, For I Have Sinned...

Miss me? No? Jerk.

I'm not going to lie. There is a real reason for my absence these past few weeks, but its boring. So for your convenience, I've listed 4 alternate reasons below. Pick whichever one suits you, and we'll go with that.

1. It's all Heather's fault. You see, since she is the resident blogging authority, I live and die by her comments. When she didn't comment on my last post, it sent me spiraling down into a pit of self pity, remorse and my own bitter, salty tears. She finally commented a few days ago, just in time for me to move the razor away from my wrist. Thanks Heather.


2. I recently watched the live action spectacular that is Masters of the Universe. I hadn't seen it since I was a wee lad, and the sheer magnificence of seeing He-Man and Skeletor battle it out in all their live action glory caused my eyeballs to simultaneously orgasm. While totally worth it, an eyeball orgasm tends to leave a side effect not unlike cataracts. I've been stumbling around in the dark ever since, with my vision finally returning just this morning. Ofcourse the first thing I did upon being able to see the world again, was to write this post. How can you question that dedication?


3. I was abducted by aliens. Big, grey-headed ones that sounded suspiciously like pudgy, late 90s Corey Haim. It was pretty scary at first, but I was relieved to find out that they had reached the limits of what ass-raping anal probes can teach them about Human society. We embarked on a grand adventure that culminated with me saving the universe. Oh, Zeldor...the times we shared. I'll tell you about it some time. And you're welcome for that whole saving the universe thing. It was my pleasure.




4. My fingers were lopped off in a horrific camping accident. It's still a little too painful to go into much detail (it was only today that the nubs had healed enough for me to do any sort of typing), but let's just say that when they tell you not to feed the bears, man you better not stick your hands in their mouths. Not sure why I thought that would be a good idea, but then, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Huh?


Not to fear though, because I'm back and better than ever. I know the internet can be a scary place without me, so I'll do my best not to leave you alone for so long again.

I've got a couple of things planned for the next week or so. You will be hearing much more about the Masters of the Universe movie, and I'm even going to throw in a review of a product that shall remain nameless for now.
Until next time...

4 comments:

Heather said...

And here I thought my snide comments poking fun at you had driven you out of the blogging business for good.

Oatmeal said...

Welcome back! Indeed I did miss your strange and wonderful witticisms. And I'm sorry about the bear thing, (as that is the excuse I choose to believe)they are mean bastards aren't they? Here's hoping for good prostetic fingers and many more blogs in the near future!!!

Kittymao said...

hooray! My world can CONTINUE!
Welcome back, yer high-ness.
haa.
For some strange reason I can't stop staring at Dolph Lundgren's pecs- it's like the nips are boring into my soul.

Kris said...

Thanks guys. Thankfully the bear felt some remorse about what he did, and made it up to me with a Tawainese hooker. Those bears are fucking nuts!