Questing 101

There are three things that you absolutely must have if you are considering a quest:

1. A Good Idea - This is of the utmost importance. I mean, this isn't some jaunt to the local Seven Eleven! This is a mother fucking QUEST! You can't go on a quest for just anything. You can't be all "Dude, I'm going on a quest for some doritos!". Sorry man, tortilla chips can sometimes be a tasty snack, but they can never be a quest.

2. Somebody Else - You should not, nay, MUST not quest alone. That's kind of like drinking alone. You might get what you want in the end, but it's really kind of pathetic...in a "You're 35 and still live with your parents? That's so sad..." kind of way. If you are pursuing a quest you must throw off your antisocial tendancies for a time and embrace the company of others. It's really not so bad once you get used to it!

3. Lastly, but not leastly (prove to me that's not a word) you must have balls of steel. Unless you're a girl. Then maybe a vagina of steel? Hmmm...doesn't have quite the same ring to it. The point is, quests are unpredictable and you must be ready for whatever might come.

The Idea...


Coming up with a good quest idea can be very difficult. You must think hard on this issue and contemplate...

Hmmmmm..........

As you can tell, the mood in the room was decidedly sepia, and we were having some trouble.


Melissa's eyes suddenly lit up like a cheap mexican firecracker and I knew that she thought she had it. Looking back on it now, I think she was slightly smug about coming up with something before I could. No, scratch that. She was TOTALLY smug. Dammit.


So what was this grande idea? What could have made her eyes sparkle so brightly? What could possibly be important enough to warrant a quest? What could possibly be important enough to warrant leaving my comfortable apartment so close to midnight on a weeknight? Doesn't the word grande just seem so much more spectacular with an "e" at the end of it? "Grand" is simply a word. "Grande" is a statement. But I digress...


Are you ready for it?


Stripey socks


It was midnight on a weeknight, and what does Melissa need more than anything else? Stripey socks. That's madness. But that is exactly why it is such a BRilliant idea. With a capital BR, because just capitalizing the B wouldn't have been grande enough. he he he...


So Melissa had come up with the idea, but I was not to be outdone. You see, I had just come up with an idea so breathtaking, so incredible, that the conception of the idea blew my mind. I'm not going to lie. I peed a little. I was going on a quest for..........(drum roll).......... LIFE ITSELF!!!!!! Granted, this life came in the form of an 18 cent goldfish. But come on.......life is life I says and I challenge you to refute my logic. Go ahead and refute. And why did I need an 18 cent goldfish this late in the day? Here is my daughter's fish tank:

The snack that smiles back

That little guy swimming around there is Nemo. Pretty original huh? Give my kid a break though. She's only four. You don't have to be a jerk about it. Anyway, Nemo used to have a buddy to swim around with, until about a week ago when Melissa found him floating upside down. And not in a good way. If there is a good way to float upside down, which I'm sure there is. And just like that, we had our idea. This was the Quest for the Stripey Socks and Goldfish! Makes the quest for the holy grail sound kind of lame in comparison doesn't it?

The Follow Through...

We had our inspiration. But where the hell were we going to find stripey socks and goldfish at Midnight? I think you know the answer to this.....

Walmart - Destroying small business since 1962

Winnipeg only recently became the proud parent of its very own 24 hour Walmart. No longer would consumers have to wait until morning to buy bulk batteries and giant bags of cheezies. What an age we live in! So we had the idea, we had the destination, and we had a cassette copy of Def Leppard's Hysteria. We were ready to roll.



After a short drive across the city, we were there. The anticipation was building up inside. I had never been to a Walmart after midnight before. What kind of strange nocturnals would be lurking there? Shopping for god knows what at this hour. If you are spending money after midnight, there is about a 99% chance that it isn't on something good or something that you need. Never mind what we were there to purchase. My excitement started to die down as we got closer however. Something seemed out of place. There sure weren't many cars around. Then again, it is getting close to 1 am. Maybe it's a slow time of the night, I told myself. Or maybe....

Walmart is a fucking tease!

I don't know about you, but I clearly see a sign on that door that says this motherfucking Walmart is open 24 hours. Yet the doors were bolted tight. "This isn't fair" I screamed, as Melissa gave me an "oh god, I so don't know you" look. It seems that this being a Sunday night, Walmart is not open 24 hours due to stupid Winnipeg shopping laws. You win again city hall! What were we going to do? What could we do? Was our quest destined to end like this? How anti-climactic.

But wait...........

There was one other option. Our chances of finding fish and socks at this place was highly doubtful, but dammit, we had to try. For the children.

To Be Continued...