I'm Back, Baby...

What began as a bit of an unannounced break from Interwebland, turned into almost 2 months of your lives Sans Kris. For this, I apologize, as I know from my own personal experience that anyone's life completely Sans Kris is just kind of meaningless. I honestly didn't realize it had been so long, and if I had known my absence would extend into September, I would have gone out on a bit of a stronger note than with something bearing "ape tit" in the title. Well maybe not, but you could give me the benefit of the doubt. Unless you want to be a dick about it, of course.

My life went through a HUGE change about two and a half months ago, and the plan was to take a couple of weeks off from writing, in order to devote the needed time to this new endeavour. 2 weeks turned into 2 months and here we are. The good news is that the big life change I experienced was ALL positive. It's eaten up a lot of my time (more than I even anticipated), but my life is much more fulfilled as a result. Now I can get back to the business of wasting your time.

First of all, thanks so much to those of you that were kind enough to send me your thoughts and take the time to write. Extra Happy Thanks should go to Naibebbi Oujunina for taking the time to send me an email every single day. In retrospect, I can't say I completely understand what Nigerian bank transfers have to do with my little musings, but thanks all the same. It is appreciated, sir.

Secondly,

God. Damn.

Thirdly, expect a certified plethora of new content to read about here in the near future. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I'm sure to spend far more money than anyone really should on useless shit that completely loses its cultural relevance as soon as the clock strikes midnight on some arbitrary day. Since my psyche demands I justify everything I purchase, you will be hearing about it all. How does it feel to be justification? I bet it feels bittersweet.

Fourthly, I'm going to see against me! in two days. Yeah, that's right. Jealous? What the fuck do you mean "Who's against me!?". Bah.

Fifly, or fively? Semantics. I may get to see Blind Melon in two weeks. That one I know you're jealous about. Fuck your "they haven't been relevant in fifteen years" bullshit too.

Sixly, can I just say that if you haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, you should just kill yourself. Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? It doesn't get better with age. On your way out, whisper a little thanks to Chris Nolan for preventing the great nerd war of 2009. That shit was brewing, and I don't know about you, but I didn't want to have to fight a bunch of nerds to the death for my own survival. Seriously. If for some reason I need to know what the klingon word for spatula is, I would like to be secure in the knowledge that this kind of information is available. The Dark Knight brought us all together, and you should pay your respects. *

Sevenly, I have discovered the magic of podcasts...and they are good. I don't think I've listened to music at all in the last 2 months. Just fucking podcasts. Shit's addicting. Three good ones for you to check out. Feel free to google, as I am too inebriated to search for links. Who knows what the fuck you'll actually be clicking on if I try and provide that service right now. I would probably Rick Roll you.

Smodcast

The Ken P. D. Snydecast

Stuck in the 80s

Don't check them out unless you want to literally lose days of your life to catching up on all that podcasty goodness.

Eighthly, why didn't anyone tell me mussells were so fucking good? How I waited almost 27 years to try what is probably God's perfect food (right after Cherry flavoured Pez, ofcourse), is just beyond me. Can we please try and be more open in the future? These secrets have got to stop. They're tearing us apart.

Ninthly, if you ask me...turnips are vastly under-rated as a side dish. Why can't it be choice of potato, rice or turnip? I think the Turnip Council needs a new ad campaign.

Turnips.....Terrorists Hate them. You're Not a Terrorist, are You?

Tenthly, and most importantly... I missed you guys! :)

* Spellchecker has advised me that "klingon" should be spelled with a capital "K". Fuck that. War's back on.