Friday, July 11, 2008

Why Don'tcha Give Me Ape Tit for 200...

I know my titles have a tendency to bear very little resemblance to the actual post itself. Sometimes I like to be a little obscure. That being said, today's title has really nothing to do with the below post, so allow me to explain.


Today is a grab bag, if you will. Just a few little things that don't really have enough substance to warrant their own complete post. Using this reasoning, I was going to call the post "Potpourri", after the Jeopardy category that utilizes a variety of topics all within the same column.


So as I was standing at the bus stop this morning, musing over how clever I am in my blog naming abilities and thinking about Jeopardy, a certain SNL skit jumped into my head. You may already know which one I'm talking about.


The scene in question involves Norm McDonald portraying Burt Reynolds in a round of Celebrity Jeopardy. That fucking line still makes me laugh.



Random Thing A






Ape tit....he he he


Random Thing 2



You know what gets me all worked up?


Well this picture usually does the trick, but that's not what I'm talking about
No, I mean worked up in an angry sense. Like most things that piss me off, it involves The Bus. I've probably beaten my hatred for public transportation into the ground by now, but I haven't covered this aspect. Surprisingly, the bus has very little control over this, and yet I still blame it. Goddamn bus.

What I'm talking about is Aisle Seat Sitters. If you've ever rode the bus, I'm sure you've seen this. Those inconsiderate people that choose to sit in the aisle seat, even when the window seat beside them is open. It's a subtle way of saying "Don't sit beside me you weirdo freak. I don't care if all of the other seats are full, and you have to stand, I want to sit alone". Well fuck that. If you want to sit alone, buy a goddamn car. You relinquish that right when you choose to travel by bus. This is becoming more and more common place, and I aim to stop it. The next time I see someone doing this, I'm jumping right the fuck into action.


Captain Justice: Excuse me miss...but I believe the seat beside you is open. Perhaps you should move over, lest someone else needs to rest their tired bones.


Random Bus Douche: You can't tell me what to do! This is where I want to sit.


CJ: I would like to sit, and if you refuse to move, I shall be forced to sit on your lap. Which would you prefer?


RBD: But there are lots of other seats open. Why can't you sit somewhere else?


CJ: Because I want to sit right...fucking...there. Now move over or I'll sneeze on you.


People on the bus are always afraid you're going to sneeze on them.



Random Thing III


I need a little advice from any bearded gentlemen out there. Or bearded ladies I suppose, as I really shouldn't discriminate. Recently I became afflicted with a condition that I've never seen or heard of before. Beard dandruff. Anyone else ever experience this? I guess the skin under my beard is really dry, to the point of flaking when I rub it. Although I'm not a chronic beard scratcher (beyond the usual stroking to make myself look scholarly when all I'm really ever thinking about is whether Ghost busters Ectoplasm is a superior commercial slime as opposed to the He-Man variety). I don't think this has ever been a problem before (I've been bearded since High School), but lately I noticed that after a bit of stroking, the front of my black shirt looks a little "salt and pepper" for my tastes.

Short of shampooing my beard with Head and Shoulders, I don't know what the fuck to do. Any help?

Random Thing the Fourth


As I'm approaching 30 at an alarming rate, I fear I am getting old. Now this fear has been confirmed. My seven year old son is now better than me on Guitar Hero. When the fuck did this happen??? How the fuck did this happen? When he first started playing, I had to hold the frets down for him while he strummed. Now he throws me a condescending laugh when he sees me play on Medium, while he thrashes away on Hard. I'm sure he's thinking something equally spiteful such as "Ha ha, old man. Your fingers are too old and brittle to keep up with those notes. Why do you even try?"


Fuck.


Fuck.


Fuck.


It should be a proud day when your little bundle of joy can come into his own and best you at your own game. Obviously I did something right in raising him into the fine little gentleman he is, right? I should be happy about that. Well I'm not dammit. I'm petty and jealous. Little bastard....

5 comments:

Heather said...

Ok, so as far as the bus goes, you just need to act like you're moderately crazy and people won't say boo to you if you climb over them to sit in the vacant window seat. What I hate is how they not only sit in the aisle seat, they have their foot sticking out into that aisle. Fuckers.

Yeah, my niece is 4 and she kicks my ass at Smash Brothers. I'm like, ok, you got me beat at THIS game, but I will so totally whip you at Super Mario Bros old school. Except my Nintendo refuses to work so I can't prove it.

John said...

I suggest that the best way to deal with aisle sitters is to stand right next to them, maybe even rub your ass on their shoulder or something. If you have the urge you might want to even crack one off in their face. That should have them scrambling for the window seat pretty quickly.

I'm at a loss with what to do about beard dandruff. If you find the cure let me know though, because in the middle of the winter I sometimes get some pretty intense eyebrow dandruff!

I am the all time supreme Guitar Hero in my house!! I will never give up my crown!!

lauriekendrick said...

This was great. I laughed, I cried.

I've not communed with you in forever? Does this mean penis is dying from neglect? Didn't think so,

E-mail me sometimes, you talented fucking Cannuck.

LK

Renee said...

You could try a shampoo called Nizoral - it's available at the drug store and you won't need a prescription. It'll take a little time to see results, but it's not going to damage your facial hair like Head & Shoulders would.

A bottle runs about $15 here in Vancouver.

I hope it'll work for you!

Oatmeal said...

I miss you. :o(