That was the question I was greeted with this morning as I was enjoying my daily commute to the office. It was in the form of a bus ad for 5 gum, and I think it killed my brain a little bit.
Before I get into all out rant mode, let me say that 5 is my preferred brand of gum. As a smoker, it goes without saying that I buy a lot of gum (if something "goes without saying", why do we feel the need to say it?) and Wrigley's has definitely made some money off of me with this newish product. Is it the taste? The long lastinest of the flavour? Nope. It's all about the packaging baby. Take a look....
That is one sexy pack of gum. From the cool, flip open lid, to the stylish and vibrant colors (the black and blue really play off of each other nicely) it is a package to truly embrace. But does it taste like ass? Not at all. Although I would be hard pressed to say it tastes better than any other gum, it doesn't taste bad, and that's good enough for me.
Remember....I'm the guy that buys movies he doesn't even like because the DVD case has some cool gimmick involved. I'm the idiot that marketing gurus cream their pants over. An easy sell, through and through.
But there's one thing my love of pretty packaging will not abide by. Stupid fucking slogans. And puns. And sometimes Unicorns. And shouldn't Unicorns be called Unihorns? I hate mystical creatures that defy the laws of vocabulary.
So lets look at this again:
Ever tried Lying on a Thousand Vibrating Cell Phones?
How is that even possible? And what the fuck does lying have to do with anything? It's like the Chewbacca defense of gum marketing. It doesn't make sense.
Should it be "Ever tried Laying..." as in to lay down? Maybe its just me, but saying "Ever tried Lying" sounds like you're trying to tell a fib while talking on a thousand cell phones. Which is impossible. Unless you do it one at a time. But why would you? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
I could be completely off base here, as my command of the English language can be suspect at times, but this just feels misleading. And I don't tolerate misleading gum ads. Not since the Juicy Fruit debacle of '01 anyway.
Maybe I'm being too hard on Wrigley's. Let's assume for a second that it isn't misleading (and I'm not an idiot). So Wrigley's is telling us that chewing 5 is akin to resting on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones. That doesn't sound terribly comfortable. And are they ringing, or just vibrating? I need to know these things Wrigley's! Who exactly thought this would be a good slogan?
Bill: Hey Bob! How's It Going Today?
Bob: Not too shabby Bill. But I would be better if I could experience what it might feel like to lie down on top of 1000 vibrating cell phones....
Bill: Holy fuck Bob, do I have something for you to try!
No no no no no no no no no no no. And a French non for good measure. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Why would you want to experience lying down on 1000 vibrating cell phones? Hey Wrigley's, here's a slogan for you...
5 - Ever Had a Thousand Screaming Dildos in Your Ass?