Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Tribute to....Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning...

It's tough to find a film franchise more polarizing than the Friday the 13th series. Subjectively, the films are fairly awful. Cheesy, improbable plot lines, community dinner theatre level acting and the lack of any real continuity make the movies appear pretty amateurish. But you know what. I fucking love them. I'm just a fan, is all. I love the movies, much like an abused wife loves her abusive husband. No matter how many times the franchise slaps me across the face with a ridiculous plot twist, or kicks me in the stomach with hammy line delivery, I keep coming back for more. With a smile on my face all the while. I'm not sure which part of my brain relates so closely to slaughtering sex crazed, pot smoking teens, but I likes what I likes.


While the movies are by no means $100 million dollar blockbusters, they do have a pretty strong fanbase, and while a few of them came close, no Friday movie has ever lost money. Especially in today's market which is saturated with a new DVD re-release every time you turn around. Add that in with the fact that the films are fucking cheap to make (no name actors, and cookie cutter scripts tend to keep the costs down), and you have a guaranteed money machine. Which is why we have 10 movies to enjoy (11 if you count Freddy Vs. Jason), and another one on the way. But which Friday the 13th movie is the best? Although that may be akin to asking whether you would rather eat dog shit or baby vomit, it is a valid question all the same, and one that will net you a wide variety of answers. Admittedly, I don't think anyone is going to reveal that they think of Jason X as their personal favorite, but the range of answers is still pretty impressive.

Some will tell you that the first is the best, and that you can never top the original. All of the films that came after this one had a "been there, done that" quality to them. Plus Kevin Bacon has sex, smokes a joint and gets impaled through the throat.

Some will say Part II is the greatest, since it gives you what may be the most "realistic", and therefore (in some people's opinion) the scariest Jason.


Others can argue that since Part 3(D) introduced us to the iconic hockey mask, it is the first "true" appearance of Jason, and is therefore the best.

Me, personally? I have to say The Final Chapter is the best. There are many, many reasons I could give you to support this, but this post isn't about that movie. So I'll just sum up the greatness of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter with one picture.

Corey Fucking Feldman with a bowl cut. Increases the greatness of any movie he is in by 34%.

If Part IV is my favorite, then why didn't I write about it? Simply put, because its been done. I've read more than a few tributes to Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and wanted to break some new ground. One entry in the saga that you don't hear much about (unless it is in a negative light), is Part V: A New Beginning. It is probably considered one of the weakest entries in the series, but I never really understood why. Granted, its not my favorite, but its right up there. So in order to balance out some of the hate, I'm going to show it some love. In the form of a tribute. Originally, this post was going to be a review of the film, but I can't really be subjective enough to legitimately call it a "review". In my mind, I know this movie is no piece of art, but in my heart, it's all love baby. So instead of a review, you get a "tribute". Which is actually much lazier than a review, because basically, I'm just going to rehash the plot for you. And throw in some pretty pictures for you to look at. And maybe, along the way, we'll share a moment or two.

On with the show!






A New Beginning was meant as just that. A new direction for the adventures of Jason Vorhees. The Final Chapter finished up pretty conclusively, as Corey Feldman saved the day by impaling Jason's face onto his own machete. 80s Feldman does not fuck around. Part IV was originally planned to finish up the series, but dollar signs prevailed (as they usually do in Hollywood), and before you could say "That doesn't make sense", Part V was underway. But this puppy needed a hook. The executives didn't want to appear completely incompetent by just throwing Jason back out there with no explanation, after he was so convincingly dealt with (by Corey Feldman). Remember that at this point in the franchise, Jason was essentially human and the series was much more grounded in reality. How the fuck can he come back to life? He can't, because last I checked, there wasn't a miracle cure for a machete through your face. Hence the much needed hook. Oh, and by the way, if you've been wanting to see this flick since 1985, and just haven't gotten around to it, you should avoid the following massive spoilers.

The movie begins in true Friday the 13th fashion, with a cold open. I'm not sure why, but I love when a movie just kicks in with the opening scene before the credits are even underway. Return of the Living Dead utilizes this trick quite well. Tommy Jarvis (played once again by Corey Feldman) is striding through the woods, on his way to Jason's grave. It never does say why, but I like to think its because he wants to piss all over it. 80s Feldman's a badass like that. But before he can pull off the ultimate fuck you to Jason, two older kids come crashing noisily through the foliage, and approach the graveside, robbing Feldman of his chance. Seems they aim to dig up the body and, I don't know, maybe have a little fun with the corpse? Now I got up to a lot of shit in High School, but I can't remember ever turning to my buddies after a bit of partying and saying: "Hey, I know! Let's go grave robbing!" So while I don't completely understand the motivation here, I respect it as a way for us to see more stupid teenagers get gutted.

While Tommy watches, the teens dig up the (very shallow) grave and stand back to admire their handy work. Would you be surprised if Jason didn't rise up out of his grave right now and kill him some teenagers? No need to find out, because rise up he does, and after quickly dispatching disposable teens 1 & 2, he makes his way to where Tommy is (barely) hiding. As Jason raises his blade (who fucking buries a serial killer with his weapon of choice? Shouldn't that be in an evidence locker somewhere?), Feldman screams his only line in the entire film: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

And he wakes up. It was only a nightmare. But what a nightmare! It aged poor Tommy by at least 10 years. See....





Granted, it doesn't say exactly how many years have passed since The Final Chapter, but the role, in its entirety, was originally written for Corey Feldman. The only problem was that he was too busy hanging out with Short Round and starring in Cyndi Lauper music videos to appear in more than a cameo here. So we get this guy. And the only reason I can think of for casting someone so much older in the part is this: You can't replace 80s Feldman with just any child actor. You simply can't. Well, maybe 80s Haim, but I digress. They won't measure up, and then you've got a mess on your hands.

So Tommy wakes up from his little nightmare, marvels at how well his voice deepened in the last 24 hours, and realizes that he is in the back of a van, on its way to The Pinehurst halfway house. Or if you're not feeling politically correct, a house full of fucking wackjobs.

One of the reasons this volume in the Friday saga holds up so well for me is the characters. This movie has some of the best characters in any Friday the 13th film. If a character stands out and is memorable, even though they are only onscreen a couple of times, and are really only in the movie to pad the kill count, you know the screenwriters and actors have done something right. As we arrive at our destination, we meet the first of these great characters. Billy, male nurse, really makes his presence felt, in all the right ways. As Pam Roberts, assistant director of the house, welcomes Tommy to his new home, she thanks Billy for delivering him. Billy responds with a friendly "Anytime, Doll", and then proceeds to tweak his right ear while simultaneously flicking his tongue at her as if he was enjoying a nice hot bowl of vagina right at that very instant. Who does that!?!?! Fucking Billy the male nurse, that's who. I hope we see Billy again.


Pam leads Tommy into the house and introduces him to the director of Pinehurst, Mathew Leonard. Mathew and Pam explain that the Pinehurt House is really the last step in Tommy's journey to re-entering society and being a normal self reliant adult. Preferably one that isn't prone to fits and delusions of serial killers coming back for revenge because you impaled their face on their own machete.


Before introducing us to the rest of our future corpses, Tommy gets settled into his room and nonchalantly pulls a 4 inch blade out of his jeans pocket. Wait, what?!?! Wasn't he just in state custody? How the fuck he managed to conceal this weapon until now, I'll never know. Personally, I prefer my mentally unhinged to be knife free. Worried about getting caught with it now, even though he just successfully smuggled it through god knows how many mental institutions, he stashes it safely beneath his mattress. Don't worry though, Tommy. You can come back for it later (I'm sure it will come in handy). Now you need to meet your new roommates.


Starting with Reggie, or as he likes to be known, Reggie the Reckless. Yes, he is one badass little kid, 80's style. Reggie isn't a patient of the house per se. His Gramps is the janitor/maintenance man, and Reggie is here to visit. While I think the appropriateness of visiting your grandfather at work is kind of a grey area, I think we can all agree that if the work in question involves living in a borderline mental institution, somewhere a line has been crossed. But Reggie can handle himself. He's reckless. Gramps, on the other hand, is a rare mis-step in this movie full of otherwise awesome characters. He has the potential to be great (old, black man, full of wisdom and clever sayings), but he just kind of disappears after a while, and they never utilize him in the way they should.


Tina and Eddie next enter the picture, delivered in the back of a police car. Tina and Eddie are a double homicide waiting to happen. Young, attractive, and prone to getting caught fucking on the neighbors property. It should now be painfully obvious that we WILL be seeing Tina naked and murdered at some point in the next 90 minutes.


The neighbors in question are a mother and son team. Ethel and Junior Hubbard. Their mission in life is to see the Pinehurst House shut down. They don't like living next door to a bunch of "loonies" and like it even less when two of the "loonies" have been fucking in their yard. Ethel is probably the dirtiest character I've ever seen in a movie. I don't mean filthy, as in she is perverted or likes to swear. I mean she is literally dirty. It looks like she hasn't had a bath in a couple of months. You can almost see a cloud of dust swirling around her, Pigpen style. Almost as dirty is her son, Junior. But he also wears an aviators cap and drives a beat up old motorcycle, so I think he wins. The dialogue between these two characters is pure fucking gold. Awful in the best possible way, and really needs to be seen and heard to be believed. After tearing a strip off of the Sheriff for not doing anything about the teenage sex happening under her nose, she threatens to blow the head off of anyone caught in her yard from here on out. Consider yourselves warned, sexy, soon to be dead teenagers. Ethel and Junior take their leave, but not before cursing everyone out, and flipping the sheriff the bird. Class act, that one.


After the excitement has died down and everybody has gone about their business, we meet Vic. Vic's job, apparently, is to chop wood. With a very big ax. Now, I know their trying to teach these kids responsibility and get them ready for life on the outside, but letting a very obviously disturbed young man wield a huge ax? You're the expert Mathew, not me. I'm sure it will be okay.


At some point here, we also meet Jake, another patient. Jake has a bit of a stutter and is absolutely forgettable. You won't see him much, and its really no big loss. In a movie full of great characters, the actor that plays Jake really got the short end of the stick. Gramps kind of suffers the same thing, but to me, it seems that Gramps' character at one point, had more to do, and just found his scenes destined for the editing room floor. Jake just sucks.


And here comes The Fat Guy. Every horror movie features The Fat Guy, and in this case, his name is Joey. The Fat Guy is usually featured as comic relief in these movies, and also as a slow moving victim for the killer to get warmed up with. Joey does seem to be more retarded than crazy, but he means well. He sees Violet and Robin hanging clothes up to dry and quickly tries to lend a hand. Violet and Robin aren't hearing of it though because they're afraid he'll fuck it up. The Fat Guy always seems to fuck things up. Poor Fatguy even offers up half of his chocolate bar if they'll let him help (the other half is already smeared all over his face), and is firmly rebuked. Not to be denied however, Joey grabs at the clean clothes, staining everything with his chocolaty fingers.




After the girls tell him to fuck off, he wanders over to Vic, still chopping wood. Vic also wants no part of Joey's bullshit and tries to ignore him. But Joey feels the moment calls for a heart to heart and reveals that he has never really felt like he belonged anywhere until now, being an orphan and all. Vic starts chopping wood with more intensity. Seeing as how Vic hasn't actually told him to get lost yet, Joey feels accepted and offers him a full chocolate bar that he was hiding from the girls. He places it on the stump Vic is chopping so that he can have it for later. Vic promptly chops the chocolate bar to pieces, because that's a healthy response. If you want to turn a nice Fatguy mean, all you need to do is fuck with his candy bars. After telling Vic off, he turns to go, but Vic isn't finished. What do you think happens next?


Yes, Vic slams the ax hard into Fatguys back at least three times, brutally killing him. Poor bastard never even got to enjoy that last chocolate bar. The police show up to collect Vic and the Sheriff questions Mathew about Joey. Seems his mother died in child birth and no one ever knew what happened to the father. What an odd bit of information to disclose since the character in question is already dead. Hmmmmmm.

As the first paramedic pulls the sheet away that's covering Joey, for no other reason than to be a dick, he makes a couple of snide comments we're treated to no less than three closeup shots of the second paramedic's face looking shocked, disgusted and then furious. His name is Roy and call me crazy, but I think the filmmaker wants us to file this little bit of information away for later.

Being witness to a brutal murder doesn't seem to do Tommy any favours and he begins to have horrifying visions of Jason returning, seeing him in mirrors and around every corner. He is definitely starting to lose it. This is further evidenced by an altercation at the breakfast table the morning after the murder. Eddie appears late, wearing one of Tommy's masks. If you've seen Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, you know that Tommy in fact makes these masks himself, and is very territorial about them. After scaring the shit out of Tommy, Eddie pulls off the mask, and getting a laugh from the room, bounces it off of Tommy's chest. He then proceeds to tell Tommy: "Relax Chief. What's wrong? No sense of humor?". Followed by a couple of hard, playful punches to the shoulder. Eddie is a real dick. A rational Tommy would have laughed it off, while quietly plotting revenge of some sort. But rational Tommy left the building one sequel ago. This Tommy decides that flipping Eddie through a table and then pummelling the crap out of him, while crying no less, is the obvious response.

And unbeknownst to our heroes, the random killings begin. Our first victims are two greasers out for a moonlit drive through the woods. Of course, they experience car trouble, and their fates are sealed. Greaser #1 is dispatched via a lit flare jammed down his throat, while Greaser #2 is taking a shit behind a tree somewhere or something. He returns, sees his friend slumped over the engine, and starts threatening to kick his ass for not getting the car started. He gets in the car, cranks the engine a couple of times and leans back in triumph as it roars to life. Unfortunately, our killer is in the backseat, and slits his throat right at his moment of triumph. We never get to see the killer. Is it Jason? OooOOOooooOooOOOO. Mystery.

Cut to the outside of a little diner, late at night. A car speeds into the parking lot, horn blaring. Hey, its the return of Billy, male nurse! He's finished his day of emptying bedpans and is ready to party. He parks outside of the little restaurant and continues to lay on the horn. Here we meet Lana, but don't even worry about remembering her name. She won't be around for long. A little bit of playful banter transpires, and Lana retreats to the restaurant to get ready for their date. If it wasn't already decided, Lana then secures her fate by ripping her shirt open in front of the mirror, flashing her tits and proclaiming "Iiiiiiiiiit's Showtime!".


Back in the car, Billy patiently waits and decides that doing a little coke will pass the time nicely. I fucking love Billy's dialogue. Here's a sample: "And the forecast is.....cloudy in the mountains, sunny in the valleys, and snow flurries......UP your nose". SNOOOOORRRRRT. Beautiful.

Lana is prettying herself up in the bathroom when she hears a crash from inside the restaurant. Ooooooooooooooo. Is it Billy, coked up and ready to fuck? Is it Jason, back from the dead?. The music starts to build, and you're thinking Lana is going to be punished for showing titage in an 80s horror movie. Turns out its just your run of the mill flying cat. I say flying because the cat launches itself at Lana, face level, seemingly out of nowhere giving us a nice little scare. Ah Lana. You're alive for at least another couple of minutes.


By now Billy is becoming very impatient. He's coked up, and in no mood to wait. He opens the car door to yell for her to hurry her ass up, and gets an ax in the head for his troubles. Poor Billy. Only on screen for a combined 5 minutes, but still one of my favorite characters. Again, the killer is in shadows.

Lana finally makes her way to the now empty car, and then gets irritated when Billy isn't there. She forgets this irritation pretty quickly when she spies the mirror full of coke now resting on the driver side floor mat. She bends over to get a taste, only to see a pair of legs and a bloody ax through the still open driver's side door. Sorry Lana, but you're time is up. Ax to the gut? Check.



The next day, Tommy thinks he sees Jason standing outside the house, looking up at his window, ax in hand. An ax isn't usually Jason's weapon of choice though, but our last two victims were dispatched this way. Does this mean Jason is back, or is Tommy just hallucinating again?

We may get to find out soon enough, because Tina and Eddie are horny again, and not only that, but they also decide to smoke "the pot". Premarital sex while toking up? Fucking death sentance. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie because it involves not one, but two great moments. Some of the nicest breasts ever bared in a Friday the 13th movie, and one of the more inventive kills as well. Eddie has gone to the river to wash up after defiling Tina. Tina lays back on the sheet they laid out, seemingly satisfyed. Although I have no idea how, considering the sex lasted for about 10 seconds. Eddie must have an enormous penis. A pair of garden shears are in her future though. Goodbye Tina.



Eddie comes back, finds his love brutally slain, and backs into a tree in surprise. I'm not going to explain exactly how Eddie meets his end, but its fucking great. I need to give you some incentive to check out a cheesy 23 year old horror movie that I've just spoiled the fuck out of. I'll just say that it involves a stick, two metal hoops and a leather strap. The killer is still faceless.

Later that night, Micheal worries about the absense of Tina and Eddie, while Pam takes Tommy and Reggie the Reckless for a little road trip into town. Reggie's big brother (who goes by the name Demon) is in town and Reggie is excited to see him. As the truck pulls away from the house, we get the sense that someone is following them. Hmmmmm.


The gang meets up with Demon (who lives in a van, apparently) and his girlfriend Anita, who is casually smoking a joint. Bad idea Anita. Anita is pretty disposable, but Demon is another great fucking character. He's played by Miguel A. Nunez Jr, who also plays Spider in Return of the Living Dead. Another great 80s horror movie that I'll need to discuss at some point. While Pam and Reggie are visiting, Tommy goes for a walk and starts to have another one of his freakouts. Before he can though, Junior Hubbard enters the scene. Recognizing him as one of the "loonies", he tries to start a fight. Tommy beats the everloving shit out of him, no doubt adding more tension to the rivalry between Mathew's house and the Hubbards. Pam intervenes however, probably saving Junior's life, and in a fit of tears, Tommy takes off into the darkness. Pam and Reggie hurry back to the house, figuring that's where Tommy must have gone.

Meanwhile, Demon seems about to shit his pants due to some questionable enchiladas. He makes haste for an outhouse, while Anita chills out in the van. Probably smoking more pot. As Demon relieves himself (very pleasurably by the sounds of it) someone starts to violently shake the outhouse. Demon starts to get a bit worried before realizing that its only Anita, being a prankster. They share a laugh, and sing a brief motown like duet, all while he is suffering horrible diarhea in a really nasty outhouse. If I had a nickel for every time I dueted Motown while perched on a questionable toilet....


Suddenly, a slight gasp escapes Anita, cutting off the duet. The outhouse begins to shake again, more violently than before. Demon isn't putting up with this "Okay, I told you this wasn't funny. Now you're going to get it bitch". Demon's a badass. He gets up and buckles his pants (without wiping his ass first. Fucking gross. Do you ever notice that no one ever wipes their ass in the movies. Maybe we don't need that much attention to detail, but I always notice it.) and tries to open the door. Only problem is, Anita's corpse is blocking his way out, throat neatly slit. This seems to rattle Demon a bit, kind of calling an end to his tough guy persona. He presses himself up against the far wall of the outhouse, because that's a reasonable place to hide when the killer already knows you're in there. A sharpened metal bar (where the fuck is he getting all of these different weapons?) punctures througth the outhouse in various places. You know that magician's trick where the swords go into the box containing the assistant? Same premise, but with much more blood.

Pam and Reggie return to the house to be greeted with the news that Mathew and Gramps have both disapeared. Coupled with the fact that Tommy is still missing, everyone is getting a bit worried. Pam does the sensible thing and promptly leaves to look for Mathew, abandoning three mentally unbalanced teenagers and one adolescent to fend for themselves.

Meanwhile, at the Hubbard place. Junior has returned from getting his ass kicked by Tommy, and is driving his motorcycle up and down the porch, spinning donuts on the front yard, all while crying and screaming "THEY HURT ME MA! THEY HURT ME" Ethel is inside the house preparing Junior's dinner, and in a really nice touch, spits a huge loogie into the pot, because well, she's a stone cold bitch. Teach fucking Junior for making a ruckuss. You know what else will teach him a lesson? A fucking machete out of nowhere. And just like that, we have our first decapitation of the film. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.


Ethel hears footsteps on the front porch, directly in front of the window she's standing behind, and assumes that Junior has settled down and is ready to eat his loogie stew. "Bout time you fuckwad. Knew you couldn't pass up mama's stew". Again, I love the dialogue the writers serve up for Ethel Hubbard. Classic. I'm kind of glad Ethel gets to meet her end before she realizes that Junior's been beheaded. As much hate as Ethel shows towards her son in the movie, you can tell that she loves him to pieces. Our killer ensures they will be together soon, by cleaving her head almost in two, from through the window. There's a really nice shot of Ethel's hand clenching and squeezing the guts out of a tomato she was holding, as the butcher knife enters her head and her muscles tense.

Pam is still driving around aimlessly when her truck breaks down. Because, well, she really needs to be in peril at this point in the film. It also starts to rain, because well, Pam is wearing a white shirt, and it really should be wet.


Back at the house, Jake and Robin are watching a movie, while Jake awkwardly tries to put the moves on Robin. Now even though Jake is a loser, Robin really doesn't need to react the way she does at Jake's confession of love. She laughs in his face, sending him away in shame. The (still faceless) killer saves him the trouble of feeling too bad about himself though, by quickly dispatching him with the butcher knife.

Unaware of Jake's demise, Robin heads up to bed. She disrobes (more 80s boob), and as she looks at herself in the mirror, starts to feel bad for treating Jake so poorly. Oh well, let's just turn off this light and forget about it. Here we learn that Robin is very, very stupid. She climbs into bed (the top bunk of some bunk beds), and closes her eyes. She rolls over, opens her eyes and sees Jake's bloody, cut up face only 2 inches from her own. How the fuck do you not notice a corpse in your bed before you get in? Then the killer proceeds to grab her by the throat and run her through with the machete. The killer's hiding place? The lower bunk. Yep.


Meanwile, Violet pulls off some sweet robot dancing to "His Eyes" by Psuedo Echo. The killer enters her room and slowly advances on her. This is a great fucking scene. From the soundtrack to the way the camera flashes back and forth between robot dancing and the shiny glint of the machete and the killer's legs, as he moves ever so slowly in for the kill, is just great. Really nice filmmaking for a genre picture. He reaches Violet, lifts her clear off the ground, and stabs her in the stomach, ruining our chance of ever seeing her 80s boobs.



all of this mayhem is occuring, Reggie is sleeping blissfully on the couch. He awakens to an empty house and goes searching. Seeking out Tommy's room to see if he has returned, he is instead greated by the bodies of Jake, Violet and Robin stacked up on Tommy's bed. Hmmmmm.

Reggie is slowly backing away from the door when a hand lands on his shoulder. He screams, only to be met with the newly returned, suitably wet, Pam. Pam sees the bodies, grabs Reggie's hand and they bolt down the stairs. Reggie stumbles before they can escape (ofcourse) and we finally get to see our killer, who in a completely awesome entrance, literally explodes through the door. It's Jason! He looks much cleaner and less beat up than the last time we seen him. But there he is. Notice the blown apart door? Awesome fucking entrance.


Jason is nice enough to stand still until Pam and Reggie get their shit together and race off into the woods. They come across an ambulance parked on the side of the road, open the door, and the driver's body spills out. This is the same ambulance from the beginning of the movie, but where's Roy? Hmmmmmm.

Jason, doing what he does best, suddenly appears from behind the ambulance, defying all logic or laws of physics in the process. I love how even at a slow walk, Jason can outrun any olympic sprinter. When something is that awesome, it doesn't have to make sense. Pam and Reggie take off, back into the woods, where they proceed to lose each other. And where the fuck is Tommy? Hmmmmm.

Pam, while crashing blindly through the woods, stumbles upon Mathew's body, stuck to a tree, through his skull, via a rail road spike. She tries to take shelter in the Hubbard's house, only to have Gramps's body thrown at her right through the window. And it appears he has had his eyes plucked out. I don't know about you, but if I was in a Friday the 13th movie, I would be pissed off as all hell if my death was offscreen. She races back towards the woods, but trips into a mud puddle on the way. Jason advances. Instead of getting up and running away again, she decides it would be faster to crawl, while looking back every 3 seconds. Just before Jason can deliver the killing blow however, Reggie, out of nowhere, smashes through the side of a barn, driving a fucking tractor! He's had enough of this bullshit, and he's putting a stop to it, right now. He's reckless.

He slams the tractor's scoop into Jason's chest, sending him flying. Jason appears to be down for the count. That is until they walk over to the body to investigate. He grabs Reggie's leg, causing him to emit another girl scream. Before Jason can drag him down though, Pam and Reggie escape into the barn. Jason follows, only to be met by Pam, weilding a full on chainsaw! She promptly slices into his arm, sending him sprawling back in pain. That's strange. This Jason seems to show a lot more pain than the previous. Hmmmmmmm.

Advancing in for the killing blow, Pam is horrified to discover her chainsaw has run out of gas. She throws the useless chainsaw at Jason, and runs for cover, just as.....Tommy enters! Where he's been this whole time, I have no idea, but when he's needed, he arrives!

It's too bad that the sight of his old nemesis sends him into a bit of paralyzed shock. Jason gets in one good slash, cutting open Tommy's chest, and causing him to "wake up". He reaches into his pocket, pulls out the handy dandy knife from the beginning of the movie, and stabs Jason surprisingly close to his crotch. Jason goes down, and Tommy escapes to the loft, because a dead end is probably the safest way to go.

Jason follows up the ladder and discovers Tommy's motionless body, slumped over a hay bale. Believing him to be dead, Jason continues on the search for Pam and Reggie. Seeing as how they are in a hay loft, there is very little place to hide, and he quickly locates them. Overcoming all odds, they manage to knock him out of the loft and out of sight. Believing the horror to be over, they go in to investigate, you know, instead of getting the fuck out of there. Turns out, Jason is still hanging on to the edge and starts to drag Reggie and Pam over with him. Tommy comes out of nowhere, grabs Jason's machete, and severs the fucker's arm, freeing Reggie and Pam, and sending Jason down to be impaled on a convenient bed of spikes below. In the process, Jason's mask is knocked off and we see....


Fucking Roy! Bet you never seen that coming. In case you're thinking "What the fuck?", not to worry. The Sherrif soon appears to explain it all, nice and neat like. Turns out that Roy was The Fat Guy's dad. Surprise surprise, right? Seeing his son hacked to pieces by one of the patients at the house drove him a little crazy, and he decided to use Jason as his excuse for getting some revenge. See, it all makes sense! The horrors are over, and Pam, Tommy and Reggie can rest easy, taking comfort in the fact that they survived an 80s horror movie. Or can they?

The next day, Tommy wakes up in a hospital room, and is greeted by Jason standing over his bed. As Jason stares menacingly on, Tommy only stares back confidently. His eyes seem to say all that needs to be said. I'm over you Jason. you can't haunt me anymore. Jason fades away, being only a halucination. Tommy gets up slowly and walks over to the dresser, where he finds this.


The camera cuts to the hallway, where Pam is approaching the room. She hears a loud crash and rushes in to find the window beside Tommy's bed completely smashed out. Believing Tommy has jumped out of the window, she rushes over. The door slowly closes behind her, revealing Tommy, wearing the mask. He sneaks up behind her, brandishing a large knife.

Cut to black. Roll credits.

Kind of a strange ending, but it would have made much more sense in the grand scheme of things, if the series had continued as originally planned. The next movie was meant to feature Tommy as the new killer, because Jason was still very, very dead, and the series still featured a semi-realistic setting. However, audiences just didn't take to the idea that the Friday series should continue without Jason at the helm. What were the producers to do? I know! Let's make Jason essentially a zombie who can't be killed unless a member of his own bloodline stabs him with a mystical knife. What the fuck, right?!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all of the Friday movies, but I still have a special place in my heart for the early ones. Before Jason became an indestructable monster. I prefer my Jason inbred and antisocial.

And if it seemed like I was blasting the movie throughout the tribute, that's probably because I was. It's not a quality movie by anyone's standards, but I love it just the same. Faults and all. Don't any of you have a movie that you know is complete shit, but you love it anyway? I thought so.

5 comments:

furrychocolates said...

The only scene I remember from one of these movies is in a mental hospital: a girl in a night dress hanging from a tv because her head has been shoved through it.

I thought it might be this one when you mentioned the mental hospital... is it? Help me, oh guru of the Friday the 13ths!.

Oatmeal said...

Holy Fucking Christ dude! That was a long as tribute, but totally worth the read.

"He's reckless..."

I nearly fell off my bed reading that. I think you should make a living doing review/recaps of crappy 80's films.

My personal favorite cheesy bad 3am movie? Prayer of the Rollerboys. Fan-fucking tastic. If you haven't seen it, and I doubt very highly that you haven't, I suggest highly that you watch it.

nostalgiajunkie said...

I think the one furrychocolates is thinking of is one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, isn't it?

Kris said...

Furry - Nostalgia gets 2 points. You're thinking of A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Also a great cheesy horror flick.

Oatmeal - You just about stumped me. I havn't seen or thought about that movie in years. Didn't even remember it until I wiki'd it. Ebay here I come.

Oatmeal said...

It's an awesome flick, you won't regret it. If you haven't seen it in years, it's like the first time all over again.