Microwave Goodness = Oxymoron?...

It's been about a week, and I still can't get the awful taste of Aunt Jemima's breakfast abortion out of my mouth. I even tried eating a raw onion to overpower the sucktitude of said sandwich. No dice. I thought about setting my tongue on fire, but I'm not sure I want to resort to that level of insanity yet. I'm still debating the finer points of going through life without being able to taste anything, as opposed to tasting nothing but rotten "sausage" patty for another week. Sausage is in quotations because I'm not entirely convinced it was actually meat approved for human consumption. God damn that was an awful sandwich. Have I gotten that point across sufficiently? Good. Let's move on to something much more tasty, and much less "Holy fuck this sandwich is so awful, I want to kill myself".

You should probably know that my microwave gets more use than any other appliance in my apartment. That's if you don't count the steam-powered, pneumatic vagina that resides in my closet. But we're not counting that, are we?

Now don't get me wrong. I can cook. In fact, I'm quite good at it. I just don't like cooking for me and only me, and I live alone. Why spend an hour making dinner when there is no one to impress but myself?

"Wow Kris, this is a great dinner. You've really outdone yourself."

"Why thanks Kris. That's a nice new haircut by the way."

I'm not saying I don't have conversations with myself, but that's generally not one of them. And you all know what a comment whore I am. I need validation dammit, and preferably from someone other than myself. Telling myself how awesome I am kind of feels like a copout after all these years. Also, my 80s movies aren't going to watch themselves, and all those sweet toys on eBay aren't going to bid on themselves for my benefit. I just don't have the time to make big elaborate meals, when the only person I'm impressing is me. For these reasons, a large portion of my diet consists of frozen entrees. Utilizing this "expertise" in microwave dining, I can tell you that about 60% of them are edible, while 35% are so vile, your tongue will shake its fist at you. If it had a fist. Unless it had a mouth, and then it would probably just call you a cunt. Then there's the remaining 5%. This tiny fraction of the total number of frozen entrees on the market always genuinely surprises me. These are the proud, the few, the "holy shit, this actually tastes GOOD!"

Today's entry consists of a frozen sandwich that easily earns its way into the illustrious 5. I'm giving this product a serious recommendation, so check them out if they are carried in your neck of the woods. Keep in mind, they are microwaveable, so don't expect to experience the greatest meal of your life. But as microwaveable food stuffs go, this is THE SHIT. Take a peek....

What you are looking at is a Stouffers Bistro Panini. I chose the Philly Cheesesteak variety, because cheese + steak = 4 levels of delicious. There are other types, some utilizing chicken, but if I see Philly Cheesesteak flavour fucking anything, you better believe I'm buying it. I would chew that shit as bubblegum if the geniuses at Wrigley's would get off their asses and do something about it.

Seriously though, you can't go wrong with beef, cheese, peppers and onions. At least for my tastes. It's alarming the sheer number of food products these days that include mushrooms in the recipe. I'm sure a good portion of you are mushroom lovers, so I don't mean to offend but.....fucking gross, man. Mushrooms are grown on SHIT. Literally. I'm sorry, but there isn't enough soap in the world to make that sound appealing to me. Deluxe frozen pizza? Mushrooms. Alfredo anything? Mushrooms. Beef Stroganoff? Goddamn mushrooms. Cambells Chunky Steak and Potato Soup? FUCKING MUSHROOMS!

But there aren't any mushrooms on you, Philly Cheesesteak Panini, are there? Not a one. Just beef, cheese, peppers and onions. That's the recipe for deliciousness, I don't care who you are. Take another look at the picture. Notice anything? It's actually fucking toasted! In the microwave! I think we need to get the scientists at Stouffers to start working on a cure for cancer, because toasting something in the microwave is fucking impressive. It's not soggy or anything. Color me impressed. Which is a deep shade of purple if I'm not mistaken. But as amazing as it is so far, it would be a small victory to have toasted bread out of the microwave, if the insides taste like ass. And I'm saying that from the point of view of someone that doesn't like the taste of ass. If you like the taste of ass, then you should change the last sentence to "it would be a small victory to have toasted bread out of the microwave, if the insides didn't taste like ass".

Actually, I'm not sure what ass tastes like. I guess I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it, but I don't think I'm ever going to get the urge to eat an asshole, so I stick by my original point. And that is just enough talk of "ass eating" for a post about microwaveable paninis. A little more of that, and we would officially be "overboard".

Anyway....the entire point of that was to say that toasted bread in the microwave is great, but the filling needs to be equally great, otherwise the entire effort is for naught. Naught is a vastly underused word, by the way. Just thought you should know. Here, take a look at the inside....

This thing is as close to looking like the picture on the package, as anything could be. And the taste? Oh my god, it is good. The cheese is abundant and stringy, the beef is flavorful and not overly chewy, and the peppers and onions are just the right level of crisp. If I didn't have an aversion to scalding hot cheese burns, I would happily rub the finished product all over my naked chest as I danced slowly, in a sultry way. I think I have some serious issues...

So if you don't feel like spending more than a couple of minutes cooking dinner tonight, check these out. Probably the best thing I've ever eaten out of the microwave. Not really that impressive of an endorsement I suppose, but I still give it....

4 out of 5 badly veiled sexual connotations

Bon Ape Tit