Kris: The Official Motion Picture Soundtrack...

If you could have absolutely anything your heart desired, what would it be? Anything at all. Your first impulse might be to imagine eternal happiness, world peace, true love, or a million dollars. While those are all noble answers (except the million dollars I guess, unless you're planning on donating it to charity) let's dig deeper than that. Let's really get to the root of the question and think about what you would REALLY REALLY want if by some weird (possibly sexual....no, probably sexual) circumstance, you were faced with a blue skinned, slightly effeminate, magical genie. Why is he slightly effeminate? Well why not, you homophobe. And is "magical genie" redundant? If I had just said "genie", you would have come to the same conclusion, yes? I'm voting for redundant.

Have you thought about it? Well so have I. And I've made up my mind. Taking a cue from Family Guy, I would have to say my answer would be.....my very own soundtrack! How fucking cool would it be to have your own soundtrack, completely in sync with your thoughts and actions! Imagine a world where a disembodied audience would collectively hoot and holler whenever you unleashed a particularly spicy double entendre. Or an emotional "awwwwwwww" when you romantically embrace your significant other. How about dark, ominous tones playing while you're hatching an equally dark and ominous master plan? You don't hatch dark and ominous master plans? Well maybe you should.

Wouldn't you love to be able to stage your own cheesy 80s montage with "Eye of the Tiger" dripping all over everything? You have to see the benefits to this plan by now. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you ever ARE faced with a blue skinned, slightly effeminate genie, you would be a fool NOT to wish for your very own soundtrack. But just in case you still need convincing, here are some scenarios you may encounter in your day to day life, and how they would be enriched with the addition of a soundtrack. In order to really get you in the proper frame of mind, we're going to do this while utilizing my brilliant new "SOUND O' SCOPE MOOD ELEVATING MYSTERY MACHINE" (patent pending). I've included some videos to listen to while you read the scenarios. Click play on the video, wait 10 seconds or so (in order to really get into the song) and then read the corresponding paragraph below it. The first scenario even has more than one video! You'll be agreeing with me before you know it. And isn't that the first step on the road to being a better person? I've always said "The world would be a much better place if everyone would just blindly agree with me all of the time". That's not too much to ask, is it?

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Scenario The First

Your palms are sweating profusely, and refuse to dry off, no matter how many times you wipe them on your pant legs. Your throat is dry and your stomach feels slightly queasy. You've been seeing your significant other for a little over a year and have decided that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even though you're madly in love, a slight bit of uncertainty clouds your thoughts. This will either be the defining moment of your life, or your greatest defeat. The sun is shining, and a slightly warm east wind is blowing the hair away from your forehead, doing little to ease your perspiration, while you slowly walk to her house to meet. You've played the scenario over and over again in your head, but are still afraid you're not going to be able to make a sound when the time comes. You thrust your hands into your pockets in order to fight the clammy feeling you know will be apparent to her once you embrace, but all you can notice is the way the muscles in your upper thigh are twitching in a combination of nervousness and anticipation. Even with some doubt however, you are optimistic and a slight smile curls your lips. You arrive at her door and ring the bell.

She opens the door and you are speechless. She is more beautiful than you even remember, and for a moment, you forget why you even came over in the first place. A quick shake of your head, and you're back on track. Seeing as its such a beautiful day, you decide to take her for a walk, to that special place you both hold so dear. Everyone has a special place, a landmark if you will. Once you arrive, you get down on one knee, and throw yourself at her mercy.

And she says yes, with tears sparkling in the corners of her eyes, like little salty diamonds. You say your goodbyes and share a slow, sweet, lips slightly parted kiss. Why are you leaving so soon after proposing? I don't know, you have shit to do I guess. Try to keep up.

All is right with the world, and nothing could bring you down at this moment. The occasion clearly calls for a strut. So you strut on down the street, completely full of yourself, and can't help thinking about how awesome you are. A bright cartoon bluebird chirps a friendly hello and lands on your shoulder. Except instead of just sitting there, he grinds his little bluebird ass up against your shoulder. Because you're that goddamn sexy.


Scenario The Second




You're having the worst day of your life. The alarm fails to wake you up on time and now you're rushing to get out the door, remembering very clearly that your boss has specifically told you never to be late again, unless you would rather be late for the unemployment line. There's no time to brew a pot of coffee, so you jump in your car, promising your tired, sleep caked eyes that you'll stop at the first drive thru you see. This is probably the best part of your day, as the drive thru manages not to fuck up your order for a change, and you're back on track. But you're still running a bit late, so you drive a little faster than you're used to, and conveniently forget that pothole that you manage to avoid every other morning. And now you're wearing your coffee. Fuck. You have little choice but to return home and change your shirt. You slam on your brakes at the end of your driveway and bolt into your house. You take the stairs two at a time, throw open your bedroom door and see.....your best friend, balls deep inside your wife, while your father in law films the entire thing. And he's jerking off. All over your favorite robe.

You blink in disbelief, but don't have the time to process anything you've just seen. You grab another shirt out of your closet, throw it on and run back out of the house. Your best friend didn't even slow down the pounding of your wife's vag while you were there, by the way.

You finally pull up to work and sprint to the elevator. Each second in the elevator feels like an eternity, as you can't get the image of your friend fucking the shit out of your wife, out of your head. You look at your watch and realize that you're over half an hour late. A small feeling of dread sits in the pit of your stomach as you anticipate what is coming. The "ding" of the elevator announces your floor, and you speed walk deftly in between cubicles to reach your office. You get a small feeling of hope as you realize your manager isn't around. Maybe this will turn out okay! Nope. The reason you didn't see him is because he is in your office, packing your shit into a cardboard box. And not even a new box. And old, battered one. He pushes your belongings across the desk at you and requests that you "have a nice day". That's when the vein in your head fucking pops.

Scenario The Third

You've lived your entire existence in the same neighborhood. This is your home. All of your haunts are here, as well as all of your friends. But all of this is in danger due to greedy land developers and their need for yet another golf course. And the land developer's son is a complete douchebag that almost killed your older brother, Josh Brolin. Luckily, you find an old treasure map in your attic, and embark on an adventure to find enough rich stuff to save the day! And there's this cool skeleton piano, and a pirate ship, and robbers chasing after you, and they're all like "Hey, you kids...give us that map!" And you're all like "No way, this is our map". And then a mutant swings across a lake that's hidden inside a mountain and saves the day.

Okay, so maybe this last scenario isn't entirely realistic, but come on! Wouldn't that be cool? I think I need to write a tribute to The Goonies.

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So? Are you convinced? All those videos were a pain in the ass to embed in the HTML, so you better be. Music is a fantastic addition to almost any situation, so you really can't lose with your own soundtrack. You would need the ability to mute it every now and then though, otherwise you would just go crazy. You can't listen to music and sound effects all of the time. Ofcourse, this is all rendered rather moot, by the sheer implausibility of a blue skinned, slightly effeminate genie just showing up and granting me my heart's desire. Clearly I need a more realistic option. Originally, I thought the way to go would be to strap a midget to my back and have him narrate my life for me. Not quite the same as your own soundtrack, but it kind of follows the same train of thought. Then I realized how fucking annoying that would be after the first 5 minutes. Plus I'm sure some human rights organization would come down on me hard for strapping a midget to my back. No, I would have to think of something better.

And then it came to me. An MP3 player! I can put on my earphones and pretend I have my own soundtrack! I can program playlists for different moods and even throw some sound effects and a laugh track on there for those "special" moments. Goddamn, my brilliance scares even me sometimes.

So I bought this thing.....

It has 4 GB of space and a built in radio and video and I loves it. Not quite to the point where I want to fuck it though, because I can't imagine microchips feeling all that great rubbing up against my cock. What was the very first thing I put on there, you ask? Half an hour of porno, because I'm all about being prepared. Think of me as an overgrown boyscout. Not that I will find many opportunities to watch porn while I'm walking down the street or riding the bus, but isn't it better to have porn and not need it, than to need porn and not have it? I think Confucious said that. Something to think about anyway.