Saturday, February 23, 2008

I'm freezing but I'm burning for the girl in Saskatoon...

First off, I guess I should apologize for the lack of updates the last few weeks. I should, but I won't. Fuck that. It's not like I'm getting paid for this. Get off my back already......okay, I'm sorry. I was just so busy eating Mexican Chili Chips, I couldn't make time to write. I now weigh roughly 400 lbs and have a permanent orangeish red five o'clock shadow from chip residue. It's really not a pretty picture. So what's been going on since I posted last? The only thing really worth writing about would be a little road trip I took last week. Guess where I went? If you said anywhere other than Saskatoon, you are officially a grade A fucktard. Or you can't read. But no worries. Even if you can't read, I've got some sweet video action later on in this post. And don't scroll down now and watch it. It will be completely out of context and 50% less awesome.

The first question that you should be asking yourself right now is "Why the fuck did you go to Saskatoon?" Actually the first question you're asking yourself is probably "Where the fuck is Saskatoon?". Both very good questions. Saskatoon is roughly 8 hours northwest from Winnipeg and located in the province of Saskatchewan (A province is like a state, for you Americans out there). 8 of the suckiest hours in existence, if your chauffeur is a genuine anti smoking Nazi. Now I understand that not everyone acknowledges the majesty of nicotine. I can handle that. What I can't handle is being told we can only pull over twice in an 8 hour span so I could freeze my ass off on the side of the road while I slowly kill myself with tasty, tasty carcinogens. It takes me 5 fucking minutes to hot drag a cigarette. What the fuck!?!?! Now don't get me wrong. I was very appreciative for the ride, but come on. Three extra stops would have added a measly 15 minutes to our trip. Apparently this was too much for the anti smoking Nazi. I think she was just trying to be a bitch, something she excels at (Hi Marlee).

My journey to Saskatoon happened due to the fact that my brother from another mother (or my bro from anotha ho, if you want to be all gangsta about it) decided to settle down there with his very cool girlfriend. I never thought my buddy would find a girl that could put up with his bullshit, but this one is made for him. They make a very good (albeit fucked up) pair. And I mean that in a good way. I love my buddy like family, but if I had a vagina, I would slap him at least 16 times a day. That's just who he is, and I hope he never changes.

So the bags were packed (mostly Jack Daniels and condoms), and we were on our way. Here, without further ado... is my review... of Saskatoon...That rhyming scheme would have worked out much nicer if the city was called Saskatoo.

Section 1: First Impressions
Saskatchewan is very similar to Manitoba, so my first impressions were pretty boring. Flat land, big sky, and fuck all to look at. It's not exactly an exciting drive. Luckily, I had a good friend to share the ride with. Oh wait...
There were a couple of things I noticed very quickly once we arrived in the city. Something I had never seen before, thank god. Apparently, Saskatoon government believes it is not their job to keep the streets clean of snow in the winter. What the fuck, right? Literally, snow was piled up 17 feet high, right in the streets. If there are any Saskatchewanians reading this...what the fuck?!?! What do you pay taxes for? Why do you stand for this outrageousness? Why do I rely so heavily on rhetorical questions? It boggles the mind. My mind at the very least, but that's not saying much.
Another thing that just blew me away: The number of uncontrolled intersections in the city. Keep in mind, there are probably a couple of hundred thousand people in this city. There is really no excuse for ANY intersection to be free of traffic laws. Put up a fucking yield sign for Christ sakes. Is that going to bankrupt city hall? There must be tons of money left over from not having to pay snow clearing crews. Sweet fucking Christ. Now I'm sweaty.
0 out of 5 absent yield signs

Section 2: Arts & Entertainment

What is there to do halfway between the US border and the arctic circle? Polar Bear baiting? Eskimo hunting? Igloo demolition? No, we didn't do any of that, but we did go and see a spectacular concert at a tiny little bar on the University Campus. Matt Costa was playing and that alone is reason for me to give this road trip 4 stars. I would post a video on here for you, but Blogger is an asshole and I can't figure out how to post a video easily if it isn't saved to my computer. Just check out "Matt Costa - Sunshine" on YouTube after you're done here. It will be worth the trip, I promise. So the concert was amazing, but what we witnessed afterwards was even more amazing. After stumbling out of the club and trying to figure out what to do next, we came across this scene:

Matt Costa AND roadside drunken wrestling? The trip had just started, and it was already epic.

5 out of 5 old Johnny Cash songs

Section 3: Local Cuisine

For some reason, we only ate junk on this trip. More money for booze that way I guess. So I can't base this rating on any fine dining establishments. The best meal I ate while in Saskatoon was actually some homemade lasagna at my buddy's place. His girlfriend's lasagna gets 5 stars. But the chances of any of you getting to enjoy Nikki's lasagna while you're in Saskatoon is fairly slim, so I'll keep my rating based on the food we enjoyed while out of the house. The best meal I had while out of the house were some nachos at a local pub. They were good fucking nachos, utilizing some kind of beefsteak chunks instead of the standard crumbled beef. Mmmmmm. Other than that, we ate greasy franchised portions of dead animals.

But there is one thing that I cannot forgive, no matter how hard I try. One thing that still makes me angry when I think about it. You ever have a craving for a shitty taco? You know there is no nutritional value whatsoever, and its probably just going to make you feel sick, but who cares. Sometimes the situation calls for a shitty 99 cent taco. Well good luck in Saskatoon. There is not a single Taco Bell anywhere to be found. The horizon is dotted with naught but TacoTime.

Fuck TacoTime. If anything could make Taco Bell taste like a 4 star gourmet restaurant, its fucking TacoTime. If you've never had the pleasure, let me paint you a picture. Imagine if you took a baby's shitty diarrhea diaper, rolled it into the shape of a taco, and then firmly wedged it into the fatty folds of a syphilitic sumo wrestler to warm it up. THAT would taste like fucking heaven compared to TacoTime. Fuck TacoTime.

1 out of 5 horrible taco restaurants

Section 4: Sporting Events
Drive about 2 hours south of Saskatoon and you will find yourself in Regina. Home of the Saskatchewan Rough Rider Canadian football league team. They are actually the reigning league champions, but in my opinion they are still assholes. I don't need to justify that. They beat my Blue Bombers in the championship game, so fuck em. You'll get no bonus points from me on this front Saskatchewan. Beyond that though, there really isn't much to offer in the way of sports. I'm sure the University has some teams or something, but that hardly counts. We're not nearly as enamored of collegiate sports up here in Canada, as people are in the US. So we were forced to create our own sporting events. A great deal of Jack Daniels was consumed on this trip, and we needed to watch something. But what could we do. We wanted to watch, not participate. We were far too drunk to do anything remotely physical. We surveyed our surroundings to see what we had access to. 2 things immediately stood out to me, but I was worried about the ethical ramifications. More Jack Daniels quickly quietened my inner saint. If its good enough for Micheal Vick, its good enough for me. The occasion clearly called for some dogfighting. Set to Flight of the Valkyries, because how could you not?

Now before you get all up in arms and angry, I assure you the dogs were fairly compensated with belly rubs and scratches behind the ears. We all got what we wanted. The hardest part was actually trying to stop the (male) dogs from fucking long enough to duke it out a bit. So what would you have rather seen? Some friendly dogfighting, or some hardcore gay bestiality? I thought so.

4 out of 5 homosexual mutts

Section 5: Accommodations

This isn't really that applicable, but I need 5 sections, dammit. 4 sections would totally fuck with the flow of this post, if there is a flow. I choose to believe there is, so you get this bonus section. I spent the weekend crashing on my buddy's couch. It wasn't a feather top mattress by any means, but it was actually really comfy, especially after a bottle of Jack. My roommates for the weekend were all great, and I wouldn't have been happier if I had stayed in a 5 star hotel. Plus, I snore like a motherfucker, and no one complained at all, so I didn't have to feel bad about that. And it was free, so again, more booze money. One hell of a nice stay.

5 out of 5 obscure Saskatchewan references


Saskatoon is like a poor man's Winnipeg. And that's fucking sad. Can't say I really have a ton of affection for the town. I mean, its okay, but just okay is not worth an 8 hour fucking drive (almost smoke free dammit). You know what is worth an 8 hour drive? Spending the weekend with a really good friend who I don't get to see nearly enough. For that alone I award Saskatchewan

24 out of 25 warm fuzzy moments

It would have been 25 out of 25, but I can't forgive TacoTime.

Fuck TacoTime.


Jillian said...

LOL... excellent as usual.

I can't believe you busted out the song from "Best of the Best"...hahaha.

And nice to see a post from you! :-DD

Heather said...

I think the two of us have too many "food issues". At least we can laugh at each other for them. =D
I wish I had videotaped the rogue shopping carts I saw at the mall last week, slamming into parked cars. You would have enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

Wow...I'm surprised you found sooo much to talk about from a trip to boring ass Saskatchewan and still make it seem interesting. Fuckn' place sucks! Too bad we couldn't just blow up Saskatchewan and somehow find a way to mend Alberta with Manitoba. Now, that would be a little more exciting...Fuck Saskatchewan and it's rolling hills! Save a horse, ride a cowboy...Ya! Lets go to Alberta!

Kris said...

Jillian - The moment definetly called for an epic song. Maybe a little overdone, but I stand by it. Thanks!
Heather - I think you know what you need to do. Push some carts into random cars and film it. You've teased me with it, so you pretty much have to ;)
Anonymous - Hate is the path to the darkside. Maybe we could crank call Saskatchewan or something, but blowing it up seems a tad excessive. Unless the Riders win another Grey Cup. Then its fair game.

candicem said...

When visiting Calgary a couple of years ago, I was told by my brother-in-law's girlfriend that we HAD to find a tacotime to try while we were out there. She made it sound like our fast food lives would not be complete without it.

Let's just say I kicked her scrawny ass when I got home. And then I shoved one of those lame-ass tacos down her throat.

She actually liked it but I still felt avenged.

CanadaDad said...

I agree that blowing up Saskatchewan would be a terrible idea. But for different reasons.

You know how groups of girls at the bar would always have that one ugly friend in the mix?

I believe they did it because compared to the ugly friend they appeared to be more attractive.

Well, I think of Saskatchewan as Manitoba's ugly friend. Without Saskatchewan Manitoba would be the "Country Bumpkin" province. Then it would only be a matter of time until people started referring to us as "Gappers".

That would be a travesty!!

Kris said...

CandiceM - I like the way you think. What's up with the hidden blog though? Let's have a little "I'll show you mine, you show me yours". Email me
CanadaDad - That is the greatest analogy in the history of the world. I love it.