First off, I guess I should apologize for the lack of updates the last few weeks. I should, but I won't. Fuck that. It's not like I'm getting paid for this. Get off my back already......okay, I'm sorry. I was just so busy eating Mexican Chili Chips, I couldn't make time to write. I now weigh roughly 400 lbs and have a permanent orangeish red five o'clock shadow from chip residue. It's really not a pretty picture. So what's been going on since I posted last? The only thing really worth writing about would be a little road trip I took last week. Guess where I went? If you said anywhere other than Saskatoon, you are officially a grade A fucktard. Or you can't read. But no worries. Even if you can't read, I've got some sweet video action later on in this post. And don't scroll down now and watch it. It will be completely out of context and 50% less awesome.
The first question that you should be asking yourself right now is "Why the fuck did you go to Saskatoon?" Actually the first question you're asking yourself is probably "Where the fuck is Saskatoon?". Both very good questions. Saskatoon is roughly 8 hours northwest from Winnipeg and located in the province of Saskatchewan (A province is like a state, for you Americans out there). 8 of the suckiest hours in existence, if your chauffeur is a genuine anti smoking Nazi. Now I understand that not everyone acknowledges the majesty of nicotine. I can handle that. What I can't handle is being told we can only pull over twice in an 8 hour span so I could freeze my ass off on the side of the road while I slowly kill myself with tasty, tasty carcinogens. It takes me 5 fucking minutes to hot drag a cigarette. What the fuck!?!?! Now don't get me wrong. I was very appreciative for the ride, but come on. Three extra stops would have added a measly 15 minutes to our trip. Apparently this was too much for the anti smoking Nazi. I think she was just trying to be a bitch, something she excels at (Hi Marlee).
My journey to Saskatoon happened due to the fact that my brother from another mother (or my bro from anotha ho, if you want to be all gangsta about it) decided to settle down there with his very cool girlfriend. I never thought my buddy would find a girl that could put up with his bullshit, but this one is made for him. They make a very good (albeit fucked up) pair. And I mean that in a good way. I love my buddy like family, but if I had a vagina, I would slap him at least 16 times a day. That's just who he is, and I hope he never changes.
So the bags were packed (mostly Jack Daniels and condoms), and we were on our way. Here, without further ado... is my review... of Saskatoon...That rhyming scheme would have worked out much nicer if the city was called Saskatoo.
Matt Costa AND roadside drunken wrestling? The trip had just started, and it was already epic.
5 out of 5 old Johnny Cash songs
For some reason, we only ate junk on this trip. More money for booze that way I guess. So I can't base this rating on any fine dining establishments. The best meal I ate while in Saskatoon was actually some homemade lasagna at my buddy's place. His girlfriend's lasagna gets 5 stars. But the chances of any of you getting to enjoy Nikki's lasagna while you're in Saskatoon is fairly slim, so I'll keep my rating based on the food we enjoyed while out of the house. The best meal I had while out of the house were some nachos at a local pub. They were good fucking nachos, utilizing some kind of beefsteak chunks instead of the standard crumbled beef. Mmmmmm. Other than that, we ate greasy franchised portions of dead animals.
But there is one thing that I cannot forgive, no matter how hard I try. One thing that still makes me angry when I think about it. You ever have a craving for a shitty taco? You know there is no nutritional value whatsoever, and its probably just going to make you feel sick, but who cares. Sometimes the situation calls for a shitty 99 cent taco. Well good luck in Saskatoon. There is not a single Taco Bell anywhere to be found. The horizon is dotted with naught but TacoTime.
Fuck TacoTime. If anything could make Taco Bell taste like a 4 star gourmet restaurant, its fucking TacoTime. If you've never had the pleasure, let me paint you a picture. Imagine if you took a baby's shitty diarrhea diaper, rolled it into the shape of a taco, and then firmly wedged it into the fatty folds of a syphilitic sumo wrestler to warm it up. THAT would taste like fucking heaven compared to TacoTime. Fuck TacoTime.
1 out of 5 horrible taco restaurants
Now before you get all up in arms and angry, I assure you the dogs were fairly compensated with belly rubs and scratches behind the ears. We all got what we wanted. The hardest part was actually trying to stop the (male) dogs from fucking long enough to duke it out a bit. So what would you have rather seen? Some friendly dogfighting, or some hardcore gay bestiality? I thought so.
4 out of 5 homosexual mutts
Section 5: Accommodations
This isn't really that applicable, but I need 5 sections, dammit. 4 sections would totally fuck with the flow of this post, if there is a flow. I choose to believe there is, so you get this bonus section. I spent the weekend crashing on my buddy's couch. It wasn't a feather top mattress by any means, but it was actually really comfy, especially after a bottle of Jack. My roommates for the weekend were all great, and I wouldn't have been happier if I had stayed in a 5 star hotel. Plus, I snore like a motherfucker, and no one complained at all, so I didn't have to feel bad about that. And it was free, so again, more booze money. One hell of a nice stay.
5 out of 5 obscure Saskatchewan references
Saskatoon is like a poor man's Winnipeg. And that's fucking sad. Can't say I really have a ton of affection for the town. I mean, its okay, but just okay is not worth an 8 hour fucking drive (almost smoke free dammit). You know what is worth an 8 hour drive? Spending the weekend with a really good friend who I don't get to see nearly enough. For that alone I award Saskatchewan
24 out of 25 warm fuzzy moments
It would have been 25 out of 25, but I can't forgive TacoTime.